boss: "that sounds like a fun trip! maybe you need to learn to speak italian."
his favorite employee: "maybe i do already speak italian! mama mia!! hola!!! ...... wait.... 'hola'? is that right?"
boss: "i don't know. could be."
me, at 15 yo
young women leaders: "so what are some things you're grateful for?"
everyone: "friends!"
me: "trials."
okay, i didn't say it black and heavy. but true story.
everyone: "friends!"
me: "trials."
okay, i didn't say it black and heavy. but true story.
sometimes, when i'm zoning out at my desk, i'll imagine someone is interviewing me ten years from now about my life. this is clearly weird and pretty narcissistic, but it also helps me get perspective and lets me visualize myself overcoming things i struggle with. like, if someone interviewed me ten years from today and ask me about my stint as a supervisor before i went on to do what i really wanted, i would say something like,
"you know, that was a really mentally and physically unhealthy time in my life. when i took that job i thought it was the best thing ever, when it actually was pretty shitty. when the person in the job before me left, they moved it to 3/4 so they wouldn't have to pay me benefits and they moved me out of the office the supervisor always used to have. i sat 10 feet away from that office and it was empty for months before they shoved some stuff in there. i didn't understand then that was a hugely bad sign and a metaphor for how i was professionally set up for failure in that job. it was, from the beginning, a fundamentally, deliberately disenfranchised position. it was a long, horrible professional period of being disenfranchised. i endured years of microagression, passive aggression, disdain, sexism, and marginalization there. i could write a tell-all about how they treated me just shitty enough with a smile on their faces and get away with it--how they were just nice enough that if i stood up for myself i would look like a huge bitch--but the fact is no one cares. obviously no one cared for years while i was sitting there and taking it. i could pontificate about how it represented the worst of the local, state, cultural, and religious communities i was a part of, but no one cares about those victims and that's how victims get stuck and that's how people keep getting away with it."
i've been thinking about this a lot. people are so shitty to each other, and they don't take accountability. especially conservative mormons of a certain type. they tear people down all day but because they're smiling and because they do their home teaching and have a family that they're totes righteous and faultless and don't need to worry about those microagressions or thoughtless actions they live on because only the eternal perspective is important.
like, what i really want to know is: are these people ever going to answer for this? will they have to stand in front of god and hear that they were sexist, destructive, violent people and that they missed the entire point? the longer i go on, i think "no". combine "they know not what they do" and an image of a forgiving and loving god that i do hope we have, and all i see when people degrade me to my face and in their passive aggressive asshole ways is that they will never, ever, ever have to be accountable for it.
when i bring up feminism with people, they often say (and it's a common response to feminism in general)--don't be a victim. "i don't believe in feminism because i'm not a victim." well that's some nice smelling shit but it's just the worst possible response to someone who's being victimized. i've been reading a lot of grimes interviews at work and in one of her interviews once she was asked about sexism in the industry, something she does bring up herself often. she said she does think about it a lot but tries not to go on all the time because she doesn't want to seem like a victim. but later, on her blog, she posted this kind of manifesto about how she didn't want to feel like she had to change herself to have success, and how she is tired of the sexist abuse she receives from people in the industry and from fans alike, even casual physical abuse. she sounds tired and debased and it shows that feeling of being a victim that i identify with. she has to patiently abide the industry and decide when and when not to speak out so she can still be successful and have people be receptive to it. it's nice to say you don't want to be a victim, but if you don't constantly see how it's happening to you against your will (like, isn't that the definitely of being a victim??), you're not even looking.
the only way to stop victimization is to stop victimizing people. victims cannot stop victimization. but the lds church DOES NOT teach that, even if jesus did. or did he? if his church doesn't teach that, does he care? so where do i go for peace? justice? comfort? i still really believe in the savior, but i guess that relationship is something i need to continue working out for myself. that's a wormhole i won't go in to right now. but will someone be instantly forgiven for a violent word or deed that they didn't think twice about (and not something that was just a bad moment--i hope we can all be forgiven of those--but something they sustained as an attitude and that they let define their relationships) but that caused me pain for hours, days, weeks, or years? can i live with that?
i know i can't drink poison and wait for my enemy to die. i know i need to change my situation. but what am i supposed to do in the meantime when i have to come to work and sit here and just let my blood boil while day after day while i'm stuck here? just patiently, quietly endure it?
that is victimization.
"you know, that was a really mentally and physically unhealthy time in my life. when i took that job i thought it was the best thing ever, when it actually was pretty shitty. when the person in the job before me left, they moved it to 3/4 so they wouldn't have to pay me benefits and they moved me out of the office the supervisor always used to have. i sat 10 feet away from that office and it was empty for months before they shoved some stuff in there. i didn't understand then that was a hugely bad sign and a metaphor for how i was professionally set up for failure in that job. it was, from the beginning, a fundamentally, deliberately disenfranchised position. it was a long, horrible professional period of being disenfranchised. i endured years of microagression, passive aggression, disdain, sexism, and marginalization there. i could write a tell-all about how they treated me just shitty enough with a smile on their faces and get away with it--how they were just nice enough that if i stood up for myself i would look like a huge bitch--but the fact is no one cares. obviously no one cared for years while i was sitting there and taking it. i could pontificate about how it represented the worst of the local, state, cultural, and religious communities i was a part of, but no one cares about those victims and that's how victims get stuck and that's how people keep getting away with it."
i've been thinking about this a lot. people are so shitty to each other, and they don't take accountability. especially conservative mormons of a certain type. they tear people down all day but because they're smiling and because they do their home teaching and have a family that they're totes righteous and faultless and don't need to worry about those microagressions or thoughtless actions they live on because only the eternal perspective is important.
like, what i really want to know is: are these people ever going to answer for this? will they have to stand in front of god and hear that they were sexist, destructive, violent people and that they missed the entire point? the longer i go on, i think "no". combine "they know not what they do" and an image of a forgiving and loving god that i do hope we have, and all i see when people degrade me to my face and in their passive aggressive asshole ways is that they will never, ever, ever have to be accountable for it.
when i bring up feminism with people, they often say (and it's a common response to feminism in general)--don't be a victim. "i don't believe in feminism because i'm not a victim." well that's some nice smelling shit but it's just the worst possible response to someone who's being victimized. i've been reading a lot of grimes interviews at work and in one of her interviews once she was asked about sexism in the industry, something she does bring up herself often. she said she does think about it a lot but tries not to go on all the time because she doesn't want to seem like a victim. but later, on her blog, she posted this kind of manifesto about how she didn't want to feel like she had to change herself to have success, and how she is tired of the sexist abuse she receives from people in the industry and from fans alike, even casual physical abuse. she sounds tired and debased and it shows that feeling of being a victim that i identify with. she has to patiently abide the industry and decide when and when not to speak out so she can still be successful and have people be receptive to it. it's nice to say you don't want to be a victim, but if you don't constantly see how it's happening to you against your will (like, isn't that the definitely of being a victim??), you're not even looking.
the only way to stop victimization is to stop victimizing people. victims cannot stop victimization. but the lds church DOES NOT teach that, even if jesus did. or did he? if his church doesn't teach that, does he care? so where do i go for peace? justice? comfort? i still really believe in the savior, but i guess that relationship is something i need to continue working out for myself. that's a wormhole i won't go in to right now. but will someone be instantly forgiven for a violent word or deed that they didn't think twice about (and not something that was just a bad moment--i hope we can all be forgiven of those--but something they sustained as an attitude and that they let define their relationships) but that caused me pain for hours, days, weeks, or years? can i live with that?
i know i can't drink poison and wait for my enemy to die. i know i need to change my situation. but what am i supposed to do in the meantime when i have to come to work and sit here and just let my blood boil while day after day while i'm stuck here? just patiently, quietly endure it?
that is victimization.
sometimes i read forums about bloggers at work in order to survive. there's a forum about this one particular blogger and a lot of the conversation focuses on how she can't follow through with anything and gives up on things she puts a lot of time in to for a few months, suddenly moving on to something else. and then i'm over here like, wow, i wish i could at least get up the energy to do something that passionately for a few months. and i have to read it because it's so fascinating but i also feel like they're talking about me and therefore i'm an imposter and also a loser. if there's one thing we suffer from the most at our house, it's becoming more depressed because depression (or something? we just don't know) prevents us from doing all the cool stuff we could do.
meanwhile, i have been dropping ridiculous amounts of money on sold out limited edition records that i just have to have because tax refund. i believe that's called counting your chickens before they hatch. but, lorde, lily allen, live albums? mm, chicken.
i also every so often have these weird, elaborate dreams about transportation. the dream consists of trying to get out of the hotel (including being totally lost, dealing with weird people, something dramatic happening with my family, and not being able to shower and get ready) and then trying to get on buses and lightrails and make my way into the city (invariably getting lost). they're always so detailed. before last night, they were always set in vegas, but last night i dreamt of portland. my friends were there.
i have done yoga enough days in a row that it's exciting me. it's amazing how quickly your body increases its stamina and strength. when we go on our trip we will be doing exclusively public trans and walking. i really want to be able to enjoy it. i want to be in better shape and return in glory, not spend my maybe-last-time trip to portland feeling gross and not being able to do the things i want. portland is becoming my mecca. it's motivating me to be healthy more than anything else has before. it's hard to say how much it means to me, and what it will do for me, but it has filled me with warmth and light ever since we decided to go.
meanwhile, i have been dropping ridiculous amounts of money on sold out limited edition records that i just have to have because tax refund. i believe that's called counting your chickens before they hatch. but, lorde, lily allen, live albums? mm, chicken.
i also every so often have these weird, elaborate dreams about transportation. the dream consists of trying to get out of the hotel (including being totally lost, dealing with weird people, something dramatic happening with my family, and not being able to shower and get ready) and then trying to get on buses and lightrails and make my way into the city (invariably getting lost). they're always so detailed. before last night, they were always set in vegas, but last night i dreamt of portland. my friends were there.
i have done yoga enough days in a row that it's exciting me. it's amazing how quickly your body increases its stamina and strength. when we go on our trip we will be doing exclusively public trans and walking. i really want to be able to enjoy it. i want to be in better shape and return in glory, not spend my maybe-last-time trip to portland feeling gross and not being able to do the things i want. portland is becoming my mecca. it's motivating me to be healthy more than anything else has before. it's hard to say how much it means to me, and what it will do for me, but it has filled me with warmth and light ever since we decided to go.
ok, now for a list of good things
- on my birthday my mom sent me an email about how proud she is of me for forging my own way, and even jealous that i'm doing things my way instead of following the flow. i replied saying that i've been worried as the years have gone on that she would be disappointed i wasn't having kids, etc. it was a really great moment and i felt such a full, loving acceptance.
- we are planning a spring trip back home to portland. it's been years and i ache for it constantly. does everyone miss their hometown this much, or is it just me? i am beyond excited. i've spent hours and hours planning already. i am going to breath in that lush, watery air for four days and try not to be emotional, but when i leave it will probably break my heart because i don't know when i'll ever go back again.
- i am so ready to move and run again. i dreamt about running last night. it felt so good. something good is going to happen.
- 2015 is going to be such a good year. i can feel it.
- we are planning a spring trip back home to portland. it's been years and i ache for it constantly. does everyone miss their hometown this much, or is it just me? i am beyond excited. i've spent hours and hours planning already. i am going to breath in that lush, watery air for four days and try not to be emotional, but when i leave it will probably break my heart because i don't know when i'll ever go back again.
- i am so ready to move and run again. i dreamt about running last night. it felt so good. something good is going to happen.
- 2015 is going to be such a good year. i can feel it.
randoms
- people get so frightened and ask me a zillion times what's wrong when i cut the bullshit with them at work. like, if i'm over their stupidity and i just tell them how it is without making apologies for myself, i must be having the worst menstruation cycle of my life. i just want to be like,
like, even outside of work (but especially at work), i am so angry all the time. is everyone just this mad all the time? how do people cope with life? i don't even associate with anyone really, i'm not really involved with anything outside myself (at work i even keep to myself) and i am still completely overwhelmed and frustrated by everyone and a lot of things. i have been wondering lately if i should go into anger management. when did my life become an inescapable stress soak? is it from being a feminist? is it from working in this place? is it the same unidentifiable stress i've been in since i graduated and got married and everything changed so fast?
- i really hate staff meetings here. one guy's in particular. it is like a sacrament meeting. so much spiritual crap shoved in there. (he was a bishop and is now a stake presidency person and he talks in that terrible sunday GA voice.) like, at least two people always cry in that meeting. someone always tells a mission story. the "training tip" is always on "how to be the positivest always!!!! no downers!!!!" or "a time i overcame a spiritual struggle" or "let's remember that we are called in the last days to do great things". everyone REALLY grooves on it, so i suppose that's great for them. they're one of the most tight knit groups. but damn. if i wanted to go to church, i would just go to church. why aren't we training people to be better at their actual jobs?
- my biggest pet peeve lately is people who use multiple tweets to say one thing. like, the ENTIRE POINT of twitter is to say something in 140 characters. not in like 8x140 characters.
- my male employees are entitled assholes and their sexism is endless.
- i am having a constant battle with myself about cooking and cleaning. if i do any cooking and cleaning, i do all of it. so i do none of it. i stopped a while ago when we lived at our last place because it was the shittiest. i never had a problem with cooking before i got married. none of my questions existed (how can i cook for one person without food going bad? how can i possibly spend that much time cooking? how can i possibly eat at home and be as satisfied as i am eating out?) so, i don't know what is wrong with me.
- i have a new pet betta and he is the best. (although that shit is expensive.) i've been reading reading reading online about how to take care of him, and it strikes me as so funny. like, if someone was reading online about how to take care of their pet human, what would they read?
"they sell a lot of cheap food that's not actually that good for your human. she'll eat it but it could significantly reduce her lifespan. an organic, whole foods diet is really best."
"sounds like your human has a nice home but make sure she has something to do. maybe give her a book so she can read. people don't think of humans being bored but they get just as bored as we do!"
"sounds like your human is sick with depression. it's a hard one to diagnose because there aren't physical signs. some humans just come that way, but there are things you can try doing."
- okay, that last one was a little weird.
like, even outside of work (but especially at work), i am so angry all the time. is everyone just this mad all the time? how do people cope with life? i don't even associate with anyone really, i'm not really involved with anything outside myself (at work i even keep to myself) and i am still completely overwhelmed and frustrated by everyone and a lot of things. i have been wondering lately if i should go into anger management. when did my life become an inescapable stress soak? is it from being a feminist? is it from working in this place? is it the same unidentifiable stress i've been in since i graduated and got married and everything changed so fast?
- i really hate staff meetings here. one guy's in particular. it is like a sacrament meeting. so much spiritual crap shoved in there. (he was a bishop and is now a stake presidency person and he talks in that terrible sunday GA voice.) like, at least two people always cry in that meeting. someone always tells a mission story. the "training tip" is always on "how to be the positivest always!!!! no downers!!!!" or "a time i overcame a spiritual struggle" or "let's remember that we are called in the last days to do great things". everyone REALLY grooves on it, so i suppose that's great for them. they're one of the most tight knit groups. but damn. if i wanted to go to church, i would just go to church. why aren't we training people to be better at their actual jobs?
- my biggest pet peeve lately is people who use multiple tweets to say one thing. like, the ENTIRE POINT of twitter is to say something in 140 characters. not in like 8x140 characters.
- my male employees are entitled assholes and their sexism is endless.
- i am having a constant battle with myself about cooking and cleaning. if i do any cooking and cleaning, i do all of it. so i do none of it. i stopped a while ago when we lived at our last place because it was the shittiest. i never had a problem with cooking before i got married. none of my questions existed (how can i cook for one person without food going bad? how can i possibly spend that much time cooking? how can i possibly eat at home and be as satisfied as i am eating out?) so, i don't know what is wrong with me.
- i have a new pet betta and he is the best. (although that shit is expensive.) i've been reading reading reading online about how to take care of him, and it strikes me as so funny. like, if someone was reading online about how to take care of their pet human, what would they read?
"they sell a lot of cheap food that's not actually that good for your human. she'll eat it but it could significantly reduce her lifespan. an organic, whole foods diet is really best."
"sounds like your human has a nice home but make sure she has something to do. maybe give her a book so she can read. people don't think of humans being bored but they get just as bored as we do!"
"sounds like your human is sick with depression. it's a hard one to diagnose because there aren't physical signs. some humans just come that way, but there are things you can try doing."
- okay, that last one was a little weird.
"Kindness is loving people more than they deserve." - Joseph Joubert
this is the quote that my boss put on our staff meeting agenda yesterday. he only touched on it briefly to say "how profound" he thought it was.
i despise this quote so much. like, "you don't deserve my love, but i'm going to give it to you anyway because of how righteous and great i am!" i have never heard greater feigned, condescending self righteousness than this quote.
be kind to everyone, because everyone deserves it, always. although, it's been a while since i've been to church, so maybe jesus has changed the good word and i just don't know it yet.
i despise this quote so much. like, "you don't deserve my love, but i'm going to give it to you anyway because of how righteous and great i am!" i have never heard greater feigned, condescending self righteousness than this quote.
be kind to everyone, because everyone deserves it, always. although, it's been a while since i've been to church, so maybe jesus has changed the good word and i just don't know it yet.
recently an older guy at work was leaving the desk area and shouted 'au revoir!!!' all goofy and dramatically. i gave him a courtesy chuckle but mostly kept doing what i was doing because, oh yeah, i was fucking working. he stopped at the door and turned around and look right at me. 'is that all i get??' you might read this like he was teasing or something but that's not how it was. he's known for being a hot head that can't say something without sounding like he's chewing you the f out. previously, i've been okay with it. but being shouted at in that moment by an older man for not humoring his stupid, loud shout out to the universe made me so uncomfortable.
fast forward a few hours. i don't remember if he actually had something to say to me about work or not, but there he was, standing over me as i sat at my desk. 'can i get a little smile?' he said matter of factly, making a smile-grimace and showing his teeth at me like you would at a child. i just stared at him and felt so much hot rage. good thing we didn't see each other that much because i think i would have ripped him a new one.
then today he did it again. 'are you smiling today?' he asked me condescendingly.
and i hate it so much. i hate it because if i stand up to him i'll look like a bitch, when he's being a sexist bully prick. i can just imagine what they would all say or think, some of them are things people have said to me before. "can't you just smile?? you're really too good for us/too serious/in such a pissy mood" (which i never am) "that you can't just smile?"
i can't think of anything to say that won't put me on track for more bullying and being more disregarded and talked down here than i already am.
fast forward a few hours. i don't remember if he actually had something to say to me about work or not, but there he was, standing over me as i sat at my desk. 'can i get a little smile?' he said matter of factly, making a smile-grimace and showing his teeth at me like you would at a child. i just stared at him and felt so much hot rage. good thing we didn't see each other that much because i think i would have ripped him a new one.
then today he did it again. 'are you smiling today?' he asked me condescendingly.
and i hate it so much. i hate it because if i stand up to him i'll look like a bitch, when he's being a sexist bully prick. i can just imagine what they would all say or think, some of them are things people have said to me before. "can't you just smile?? you're really too good for us/too serious/in such a pissy mood" (which i never am) "that you can't just smile?"
i can't think of anything to say that won't put me on track for more bullying and being more disregarded and talked down here than i already am.
recently i thought i'd look into 12 step programs to see if it could help me with my relationship with food. i don't think i have a big food problem like i definitely did a couple years ago, and things have actually been going really well, but i know 12 step programs have helped a lot of people and i thought it might be nice to do a conscious exercise.
what i didn't expect was how religious the 12 step programs, adapted by various groups from the original AA program, are. also, i wouldn't have guessed this would be an issue, but it gave me so much pause. things are messed up, but i didn't realize how conflicted i am about god. like,
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
i mean, watching "thanks for sharing" just did not prepare me for this. how do you navigate your problems with god in order to navigate your addictive personality? was it really a good idea for me to essentially ADD a problem to a problem?
they make agnostic 12 step programs, and i do realize that "god" in the 12 steps could be interpreted to mean any higher power, but i don't know. i just couldn't do it.
for now, i made a private instagram account and i take a picture of everything i eat and the reason why i ate it. it's been interesting and eye opening and maybe i'll be up to a 12 step program some other time.
what i didn't expect was how religious the 12 step programs, adapted by various groups from the original AA program, are. also, i wouldn't have guessed this would be an issue, but it gave me so much pause. things are messed up, but i didn't realize how conflicted i am about god. like,
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
i mean, watching "thanks for sharing" just did not prepare me for this. how do you navigate your problems with god in order to navigate your addictive personality? was it really a good idea for me to essentially ADD a problem to a problem?
they make agnostic 12 step programs, and i do realize that "god" in the 12 steps could be interpreted to mean any higher power, but i don't know. i just couldn't do it.
for now, i made a private instagram account and i take a picture of everything i eat and the reason why i ate it. it's been interesting and eye opening and maybe i'll be up to a 12 step program some other time.
i feel like everyone hates january, but i secretly love it. this is not something you can say without people thinking you're a freak, which i'm good with. but i love january. i like the cold. i like the dark days. we have christmas and then there's that new year euphoria, and then my birthday comes, and it's just this perfect time of year.
but these are bitter days of bitterness. coming back to work after a vacation is always hard, but this time it's different. i wish i could go back to work and be like 'damn you work!' like everyone does but secretly love it, because i love work. i've always liked work. but this crappy job will not go away. i've been searching hardcore for a job for about 9 months now. i've been putting my faith in up in the air, which i've seen too many times so when i reflect on my job search i always reassure myself with the line: "they say to expect to look one month for a job for every $10,000 you hope to receive" so, okay, i tell myself, anna kendrick said it in that badass suit and this movie is so topical, it must be true--surely only a little longer. like, it's not that i was hoping for $90,000 or more, if you know what i'm saying.
things were always bad, but i'm losing strength. yesterday i caught myself thinking that maybe i should look for two part time jobs just so i can get the hell out of here. giving up benefits, including an education benefit, to not have to come here every day and sit here for 8 hours and be scourged by myself and by everyone. then today i thought, if someone told me that i would be working for my boss for the rest of my life, i think i would become legitimately suicidal.
so, am i hysterical, or is this a real hardship? i go between merely existing and trying not to cry at work and trying to convince myself that i actually have it good and i should stick it out.
the most depressing thing today is that i think, after 9 months of tireless searching and much longer of casually looking, i am realizing the worthlessness of my degree. to me, it is invaluable. i wouldn't change a thing about my undergrad except that i had worked so much harder, to my full potential, and allowed myself to make plans. but people don't care about the wonderful things i can do and think and write, and that i have invaluable skills like killer work ethic and amazing foresight and a true genuine personal touch in my work. no. people want specialized workers. specializing is the only way to get a good job with your undergrad. i am beginning to understand that i won't be able to find another job without getting more schooling and specializing. which is fine--i'm still planning on law school--but the immense realization that i have to figure out how--especially financially--to go straight from this shit hole back to school is starting to crush me.
i keep hoping the challenge will inspire me, but so far, it hasn't. i'm just panicking. and surviving. and trying not to let on that layer upon layer upon layer of despair is continuing to come my way.
but these are bitter days of bitterness. coming back to work after a vacation is always hard, but this time it's different. i wish i could go back to work and be like 'damn you work!' like everyone does but secretly love it, because i love work. i've always liked work. but this crappy job will not go away. i've been searching hardcore for a job for about 9 months now. i've been putting my faith in up in the air, which i've seen too many times so when i reflect on my job search i always reassure myself with the line: "they say to expect to look one month for a job for every $10,000 you hope to receive" so, okay, i tell myself, anna kendrick said it in that badass suit and this movie is so topical, it must be true--surely only a little longer. like, it's not that i was hoping for $90,000 or more, if you know what i'm saying.
things were always bad, but i'm losing strength. yesterday i caught myself thinking that maybe i should look for two part time jobs just so i can get the hell out of here. giving up benefits, including an education benefit, to not have to come here every day and sit here for 8 hours and be scourged by myself and by everyone. then today i thought, if someone told me that i would be working for my boss for the rest of my life, i think i would become legitimately suicidal.
so, am i hysterical, or is this a real hardship? i go between merely existing and trying not to cry at work and trying to convince myself that i actually have it good and i should stick it out.
the most depressing thing today is that i think, after 9 months of tireless searching and much longer of casually looking, i am realizing the worthlessness of my degree. to me, it is invaluable. i wouldn't change a thing about my undergrad except that i had worked so much harder, to my full potential, and allowed myself to make plans. but people don't care about the wonderful things i can do and think and write, and that i have invaluable skills like killer work ethic and amazing foresight and a true genuine personal touch in my work. no. people want specialized workers. specializing is the only way to get a good job with your undergrad. i am beginning to understand that i won't be able to find another job without getting more schooling and specializing. which is fine--i'm still planning on law school--but the immense realization that i have to figure out how--especially financially--to go straight from this shit hole back to school is starting to crush me.
i keep hoping the challenge will inspire me, but so far, it hasn't. i'm just panicking. and surviving. and trying not to let on that layer upon layer upon layer of despair is continuing to come my way.
saying "my dad has brain cancer" today doesn't mean the same thing that saying "my dad has brain cancer" meant 23 months ago. 23 months ago it was an assault. it was a blinding, searing pain. people only talk about good miracles but there are terrible miracles, too--it was a miracle that my dad had brain cancer, just like that. it was a big blue sky, positive energy kind of day when i texted my youngest brother pretty much for no reason and he told me dad was in the hospital with a terrible headache and then one week later i was there at the hospital waiting to see if he would survive surgery.
i heard my mom say recently to someone: "the man i love is gone." that's the only thing that can really explain how it's not the same. dad is still here. healthy even, considering. i didn't realize, before my mom made that comment (not in any kind of derision, at all--simply stating a fact), what it must be like to give that intimate, unrelenting, tireless care to someone who was and is, some days, almost a stranger. i feel it on a much lesser level than she does. it's a strange way of life with a strange version of the person you married. the person who's your son or your friend. the person who's your dad.
she only said it once, and then all but dismissed it. i'm sure she won't ever stop caring for him. none of us will.
i drive past that hospital every time i visit my family, and i look up at it every time, often in the dark. i look to the floor and even to the rooms near where we spent those days. on road trips when it got dark my parents would always ask us if we could see the temples when we passed them, shining into the night. that hospital, standing there unassuming in the night, is a temple to me.
he was supposed to have a check up scan at christmas, to see how it was looking, but he decided that he didn't want any more scans until he was showing symptoms again, which was a surprise to everyone when they were going often for every bump in the road at first. it's a noble decision. once the tumor returns, which it will, they won't be able to treat it at all, it will only be pain management. so officially we've begun the long descent to the end of this scathing journey that none of us would miss for the world.
i heard my mom say recently to someone: "the man i love is gone." that's the only thing that can really explain how it's not the same. dad is still here. healthy even, considering. i didn't realize, before my mom made that comment (not in any kind of derision, at all--simply stating a fact), what it must be like to give that intimate, unrelenting, tireless care to someone who was and is, some days, almost a stranger. i feel it on a much lesser level than she does. it's a strange way of life with a strange version of the person you married. the person who's your son or your friend. the person who's your dad.
she only said it once, and then all but dismissed it. i'm sure she won't ever stop caring for him. none of us will.
i drive past that hospital every time i visit my family, and i look up at it every time, often in the dark. i look to the floor and even to the rooms near where we spent those days. on road trips when it got dark my parents would always ask us if we could see the temples when we passed them, shining into the night. that hospital, standing there unassuming in the night, is a temple to me.
he was supposed to have a check up scan at christmas, to see how it was looking, but he decided that he didn't want any more scans until he was showing symptoms again, which was a surprise to everyone when they were going often for every bump in the road at first. it's a noble decision. once the tumor returns, which it will, they won't be able to treat it at all, it will only be pain management. so officially we've begun the long descent to the end of this scathing journey that none of us would miss for the world.
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