recently i thought i'd look into 12 step programs to see if it could help me with my relationship with food. i don't think i have a big food problem like i definitely did a couple years ago, and things have actually been going really well, but i know 12 step programs have helped a lot of people and i thought it might be nice to do a conscious exercise.

what i didn't expect was how religious the 12 step programs, adapted by various groups from the original AA program, are. also, i wouldn't have guessed this would be an issue, but it gave me so much pause. things are messed up, but i didn't realize how conflicted i am about god. like,

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

i mean, watching "thanks for sharing" just did not prepare me for this. how do you navigate your problems with god in order to navigate your addictive personality? was it really a good idea for me to essentially ADD a problem to a problem?

they make agnostic 12 step programs, and i do realize that "god" in the 12 steps could be interpreted to mean any higher power, but i don't know. i just couldn't do it.

for now, i made a private instagram account and i take a picture of everything i eat and the reason why i ate it. it's been interesting and eye opening and maybe i'll be up to a 12 step program some other time.