sometimes, when i'm zoning out at my desk, i'll imagine someone is interviewing me ten years from now about my life. this is clearly weird and pretty narcissistic, but it also helps me get perspective and lets me visualize myself overcoming things i struggle with. like, if someone interviewed me ten years from today and ask me about my stint as a supervisor before i went on to do what i really wanted, i would say something like,

"you know, that was a really mentally and physically unhealthy time in my life. when i took that job i thought it was the best thing ever, when it actually was pretty shitty. when the person in the job before me left, they moved it to 3/4 so they wouldn't have to pay me benefits and they moved me out of the office the supervisor always used to have. i sat 10 feet away from that office and it was empty for months before they shoved some stuff in there. i didn't understand then that was a hugely bad sign and a metaphor for how i was professionally set up for failure in that job. it was, from the beginning, a fundamentally, deliberately disenfranchised position. it was a long, horrible professional period of being disenfranchised. i endured years of microagression, passive aggression, disdain, sexism, and marginalization there. i could write a tell-all about how they treated me just shitty enough with a smile on their faces and get away with it--how they were just nice enough that if i stood up for myself i would look like a huge bitch--but the fact is no one cares. obviously no one cared for years while i was sitting there and taking it. i could pontificate about how it represented the worst of the local, state, cultural, and religious communities i was a part of, but no one cares about those victims and that's how victims get stuck and that's how people keep getting away with it."

i've been thinking about this a lot. people are so shitty to each other, and they don't take accountability. especially conservative mormons of a certain type. they tear people down all day but because they're smiling and because they do their home teaching and have a family that they're totes righteous and faultless and don't need to worry about those microagressions or thoughtless actions they live on because only the eternal perspective is important.

like, what i really want to know is: are these people ever going to answer for this? will they have to stand in front of god and hear that they were sexist, destructive, violent people and that they missed the entire point? the longer i go on, i think "no". combine "they know not what they do" and an image of a forgiving and loving god that i do hope we have, and all i see when people degrade me to my face and in their passive aggressive asshole ways is that they will never, ever, ever have to be accountable for it.

when i bring up feminism with people, they often say (and it's a common response to feminism in general)--don't be a victim. "i don't believe in feminism because i'm not a victim." well that's some nice smelling shit but it's just the worst possible response to someone who's being victimized. i've been reading a lot of grimes interviews at work and in one of her interviews once she was asked about sexism in the industry, something she does bring up herself often. she said she does think about it a lot but tries not to go on all the time because she doesn't want to seem like a victim. but later, on her blog, she posted this kind of manifesto about how she didn't want to feel like she had to change herself to have success, and how she is tired of the sexist abuse she receives from people in the industry and from fans alike, even casual physical abuse. she sounds tired and debased and it shows that feeling of being a victim that i identify with. she has to patiently abide the industry and decide when and when not to speak out so she can still be successful and have people be receptive to it. it's nice to say you don't want to be a victim, but if you don't constantly see how it's happening to you against your will (like, isn't that the definitely of being a victim??), you're not even looking.

the only way to stop victimization is to stop victimizing people. victims cannot stop victimization. but the lds church DOES NOT teach that, even if jesus did. or did he? if his church doesn't teach that, does he care? so where do i go for peace? justice? comfort? i still really believe in the savior, but i guess that relationship is something i need to continue working out for myself. that's a wormhole i won't go in to right now. but will someone be instantly forgiven for a violent word or deed that they didn't think twice about (and not something that was just a bad moment--i hope we can all be forgiven of those--but something they sustained as an attitude and that they let define their relationships) but that caused me pain for hours, days, weeks, or years? can i live with that?

i know i can't drink poison and wait for my enemy to die. i know i need to change my situation. but what am i supposed to do in the meantime when i have to come to work and sit here and just let my blood boil while day after day while i'm stuck here? just patiently, quietly endure it?

that is victimization.