i feel like everyone hates january, but i secretly love it. this is not something you can say without people thinking you're a freak, which i'm good with. but i love january. i like the cold. i like the dark days. we have christmas and then there's that new year euphoria, and then my birthday comes, and it's just this perfect time of year.

but these are bitter days of bitterness. coming back to work after a vacation is always hard, but this time it's different. i wish i could go back to work and be like 'damn you work!' like everyone does but secretly love it, because i love work. i've always liked work. but this crappy job will not go away. i've been searching hardcore for a job for about 9 months now. i've been putting my faith in up in the air, which i've seen too many times so when i reflect on my job search i always reassure myself with the line: "they say to expect to look one month for a job for every $10,000 you hope to receive" so, okay, i tell myself, anna kendrick said it in that badass suit and this movie is so topical, it must be true--surely only a little longer. like, it's not that i was hoping for $90,000 or more, if you know what i'm saying.

things were always bad, but i'm losing strength. yesterday i caught myself thinking that maybe i should look for two part time jobs just so i can get the hell out of here. giving up benefits, including an education benefit, to not have to come here every day and sit here for 8 hours and be scourged by myself and by everyone. then today i thought, if someone told me that i would be working for my boss for the rest of my life, i think i would become legitimately suicidal.

so, am i hysterical, or is this a real hardship? i go between merely existing and trying not to cry at work and trying to convince myself that i actually have it good and i should stick it out.

the most depressing thing today is that i think, after 9 months of tireless searching and much longer of casually looking, i am realizing the worthlessness of my degree. to me, it is invaluable. i wouldn't change a thing about my undergrad except that i had worked so much harder, to my full potential, and allowed myself to make plans. but people don't care about the wonderful things i can do and think and write, and that i have invaluable skills like killer work ethic and amazing foresight and a true genuine personal touch in my work. no. people want specialized workers. specializing is the only way to get a good job with your undergrad. i am beginning to understand that i won't be able to find another job without getting more schooling and specializing. which is fine--i'm still planning on law school--but the immense realization that i have to figure out how--especially financially--to go straight from this shit hole back to school is starting to crush me.

i keep hoping the challenge will inspire me, but so far, it hasn't. i'm just panicking. and surviving. and trying not to let on that layer upon layer upon layer of despair is continuing to come my way.