i wonder if one reason i'm struggling so much with my faith right now is that any time in my life that i've prayed about a major decision, heavenly father has told me to choose for myself, and whatever i picked would work out. i especially had this experience in trying to choose my major. i would always get so annoyed when people in sunday school or relief society would talk about how they were struggling to 'get' an answer to a prayer. it would often even bother them enough to ruin their days and keep them up at night. to me the answer seemed obvious: maybe it doesn't matter. i think heavenly father wants us to become like him, and that we often only need a simple understanding of gospel principles and a pure heart to move forward. otherwise, he will let us know.
i've never had an overwhelming spiritual confirmation about any major decision in my life. always just a quiet peace. i wonder if i would be a different member if i had had that experience. it's not that i haven't had profound spiritual experiences, i have. but i'm feeling lost in my life and pretty vacant, and maybe i would be more sure about things if it felt directed.
i'm worried that i'm deconstructing the agency heavenly father trusted me with.
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