pressure

my uncle took his own life about a month before i was married in the lds temple. sometimes i feel responsible, wondering if the looming wedding contributed to or catalyzed his decision. it would be a huge family event, maybe hard for him to attend and face everyone as he seriously considered what he would do. he would also be seeing me as his niece, the first grandchild someone he loved, marry into a covenant he may have been doubting. i know he loved me, as he loved all of us, and i wonder what he felt like as we made choices to move forward with religious rites of passage. my mom was reluctant to tell me that tyler expressed doubts, especially in the early teachings of joseph smith and brigham young, teachings which my husband and i find even ourselves disturbed by, by text message right before he passed.

for me to think this is of course ultimately, supremely selfish, to feel guilty or think i may have been indirectly responsible.  i have felt this way before, to a lesser degree, when my high school boyfriend told me casually, as we stood at his locker, that his parents were getting divorced. i felt responsible. i worried that i was the straw that tipped the balance. i had changed their son, taken a little away from him, maybe from them. his time and attention. he told me feeling this way was ridiculous, of course.

still, i wonder about my uncle tyler and which doubts spurred him on.