i have this issue where i get really upset about things at work and then sometimes can't calm down about it for hours (or days, depending on the thing).
boss is always telling me to go ahead and take care of things and that i don't need to check with him. (isn't that my job anyway? to take care of things so he has more time? and shouldn't anything i can resolve under no circumstance need to go through him, especially when they don't involve him at all?) then a tiny thing will happen that catches him off guard (an email conversation that happened while he was on vacation, in this case), and i get ten minute phone calls lecturing me on how to do things (always exactly what i have already done). today the lecture ended with him asking me not to embarrass him anymore. his exact words were, 'does this make sense what i'm saying? it will save us embarrassment, do you see that?"
sorry you're not caught up but everyone else knows what's going on and i already did everything you just asked me to do.
this is why i frequent ksl.com/jobs.
pollution
utah: "all this polution sucks! don't worry everyone, once we get a storm, or some kind of precipitation, all of our pollution will be swept away to somewhere else! then for a little while it won't be so bad."
me: seriously, what the freak. how about reducing pollution or finding alternative energy sources instead of just pumping out disgusting shiz and waiting for a snow storm. where is the accountability?
me: seriously, what the freak. how about reducing pollution or finding alternative energy sources instead of just pumping out disgusting shiz and waiting for a snow storm. where is the accountability?
also
every virgin lds bride needs an anonymously gifted vibrator for her wedding. i am sick of hearing lds women defending the idea that, by nature, men want/need sex more than women do, and that they enjoy it much more. every human has a different sex drive, but the degree to which female sexuality isn't even acknowledged is terrifying.
girly girls
i'm in the office alone this morning and have been thinking about medicaid, even though she is not here. (by the way, great news! all of the terrible employees that were here when i started/have made my life a waking night terror have officially left! i got all new employees for christmas, and it was perfectly underwhelming and quiet around here.)
when i met her she was quirky, definitely a tom boy, would wear shorts and an athletic shirt to work, and her hair would be wet because she'd just gone to the gym. she would just talk non-stop about basketball and the fun things she did with her family. we connected over weddings and mother in laws and i actually always enjoyed talking to her.
then she fell in love with her future doctor bigot husband and they got married right away. now, a year later, she is a completely different person. she wears maxi skirts and gets eyelash extensions. she has ombre hair that is always curled and usually has a barrette. she always has three purses/bags for all her stuff and talks nonstop about her husband's grad school, eventual career, his classes, his hardships, how he's always studying, how obama has ruined the medical career, the cute deals she finds on craigslist, puppies, babies, and how they want to go to the carribean with their friends for med school.
it all really started when they lost their premature, unexpected baby to heart complications; she wrote about it on her blog, and it went as viral as something like that will get in utah valley. she became obsessed with blogging--about dressers, about cookies, about smoothies. she told us she had spent hours and days designing her blog. her husband got her a really nice camera on her birthday and she rejoiced that there wouldn't be 'bad' pictures on her blog anymore.
long gone is the girl i connected with semi-well. i didn't know then that she thought gay people were 'gay because they got bored with regular sex and had to do something more exotic to stay satisfied.' i didn't know that she would spout endlessly about the evils of obama, and especially welfare, and then get medicaid a year later. i didn't know yet how much she hated feminists, and hadn't heard her go on and on about how 'they obvoiusly just don't understand the gospel.'
or, she wasn't that person yet. i have often wondered where people who believe as she does come from, and now i have seen it happen in front of my eyes. as much anxiety as she has given me, i worry about the girl i used to know. i wonder if she would have ever been like this if it weren't for the husband she chose and the blog that got big. she is a 100% different person.
women should choose who they are, and really it's no one's business. watching this whole thing go down, though, has been the weirdest, saddest experience.
when i met her she was quirky, definitely a tom boy, would wear shorts and an athletic shirt to work, and her hair would be wet because she'd just gone to the gym. she would just talk non-stop about basketball and the fun things she did with her family. we connected over weddings and mother in laws and i actually always enjoyed talking to her.
then she fell in love with her future doctor bigot husband and they got married right away. now, a year later, she is a completely different person. she wears maxi skirts and gets eyelash extensions. she has ombre hair that is always curled and usually has a barrette. she always has three purses/bags for all her stuff and talks nonstop about her husband's grad school, eventual career, his classes, his hardships, how he's always studying, how obama has ruined the medical career, the cute deals she finds on craigslist, puppies, babies, and how they want to go to the carribean with their friends for med school.
it all really started when they lost their premature, unexpected baby to heart complications; she wrote about it on her blog, and it went as viral as something like that will get in utah valley. she became obsessed with blogging--about dressers, about cookies, about smoothies. she told us she had spent hours and days designing her blog. her husband got her a really nice camera on her birthday and she rejoiced that there wouldn't be 'bad' pictures on her blog anymore.
long gone is the girl i connected with semi-well. i didn't know then that she thought gay people were 'gay because they got bored with regular sex and had to do something more exotic to stay satisfied.' i didn't know that she would spout endlessly about the evils of obama, and especially welfare, and then get medicaid a year later. i didn't know yet how much she hated feminists, and hadn't heard her go on and on about how 'they obvoiusly just don't understand the gospel.'
or, she wasn't that person yet. i have often wondered where people who believe as she does come from, and now i have seen it happen in front of my eyes. as much anxiety as she has given me, i worry about the girl i used to know. i wonder if she would have ever been like this if it weren't for the husband she chose and the blog that got big. she is a 100% different person.
women should choose who they are, and really it's no one's business. watching this whole thing go down, though, has been the weirdest, saddest experience.
clarification on last post
i want to clarify a few things about being a fulfilled person.
i don't think it's impossible to have a family and do all the things i want to do. people can be parents and still do other awesome things, especially when they work together and do it their own way. i'm sure adventuring will continue well in to having a family. because i currently suffer depressive episodes and have a lot of dead space in my life, i can't imagine, with my myopic foresight, that having a family, something i'm having trouble with grasping or wanting at the moment, will ease or help that depression. i worry it will do the opposite.
i also know some people that are fulfilled by having a family, in and of itself. freak, maybe i will be one of those people some day. but because of above mental struggles, i worry about adding other human beings to the mix.
fin.
i don't think it's impossible to have a family and do all the things i want to do. people can be parents and still do other awesome things, especially when they work together and do it their own way. i'm sure adventuring will continue well in to having a family. because i currently suffer depressive episodes and have a lot of dead space in my life, i can't imagine, with my myopic foresight, that having a family, something i'm having trouble with grasping or wanting at the moment, will ease or help that depression. i worry it will do the opposite.
i also know some people that are fulfilled by having a family, in and of itself. freak, maybe i will be one of those people some day. but because of above mental struggles, i worry about adding other human beings to the mix.
fin.
taking less out of life
i have been crushing hard on american hustle since i saw it. i am reading this interview with one of the actors and the director, and they had this conversation:
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
C.K.: Well, when you and I first talked about this, you told me the sort of world of it and who I was playing and how he fit in, and my feeling was that this guy was the only person who was not having these problems that the other characters were having. My guy doesn't have layers. He doesn't have to figure out how much of himself to use or how to call another person out. He just does what he's supposed to do. It's interesting because I was watching the movie while my kids were doing their homework, and when it was over, I said, "I'm so relieved that I don't break laws. I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about the shit that these people in the movie are wrestling with." That's probably why I had a good time playing that guy—I think he felt that way, too. It's like, "You people are nuts. You're not supposed to be doing any of these things that you're doing. None of this is okay. You're supposed to be yourself, be honest, follow the law, and take less out of life."
RUSELL: Take less out of life?
C.K.: Yeah. You're not supposed to become something else so you can get more. You're supposed to stay you and get through as yourself, because at least then you can count on that, and you don't have to ask yourself who you are half the time. So my guy was a lot simpler to play. It was good playing with Bradley because he is so unhinged and laser-like and passionate, and it's really fun to be somebody's roadblock. He's burning in every scene, and I'm simply saying, "No, you can't do this"—it's making him crazy.
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
suits
a man at work with older still-at-home children is currently going through a divorce. someone asked him how he is doing and he hesitantly started commenting, sardonically, on how he's doing.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
open door policy
i just realized that my boss won't close his door when we have meetings because i have a vagina.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
no womenz colorz plz
boss: "we switch colors every time so we can tell it's the updated version of the document. maybe we should do pink next!"
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
body
full hippie transformation is well under way.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
meals and groceries
lady: "what are you guys doing for christmas?"
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
shit my grandparents say
"can gay people hold the priesthood?" (me from the back seat: "absolutely they can.") "can they go through the temple? i guess i heard that once."
"i love nativities. but when it starts getting to the fisher price nativities or black or other people nativities, i don't groove on it. because that's not what He really looked like."
(to my now RM brother) "were afro-american or black or whatever people receptive to the gospel?"
"one of the recent popular news stories is about a man who decided he was a woman and left his family and made.. 'the change' i guess. so there's this woman sitting in priesthood now. and the only place that he doesn't have control is the church, because they won't change his record from 'male to 'female." (giggles uncontrollably.) "it's amazing the kind of stuff we have to put up with these days." "we've got the 'him,' 'her,' and 'it's' categories."
"i love nativities. but when it starts getting to the fisher price nativities or black or other people nativities, i don't groove on it. because that's not what He really looked like."
(to my now RM brother) "were afro-american or black or whatever people receptive to the gospel?"
"one of the recent popular news stories is about a man who decided he was a woman and left his family and made.. 'the change' i guess. so there's this woman sitting in priesthood now. and the only place that he doesn't have control is the church, because they won't change his record from 'male to 'female." (giggles uncontrollably.) "it's amazing the kind of stuff we have to put up with these days." "we've got the 'him,' 'her,' and 'it's' categories."
father's blessing
i just got back from a few-days' stay at my parent's house, and right before i left this morning my dad asked me if i would like a father's blessing.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
things said recently in my office
"yeah, you could be macklemore for halloween, that would be hilaaarious. except, macklemore is sooooo gay, you know? so i don't know."
"oh good! my friend's new boyfriend wears his garments. so maybe he can help her get active again."
"but we found out that the actor who plays peeta is like, involved with this thing to help teens discover their sexuality, so [my husband] said 'no, i am definitely not being him for halloween,' but i was like, no, it's the actor that does that, not the character peeta."
"they shouldn't hire professors who have english as a second language. i know medical words are already hard to pronounce, but we had to ask him to write it on the board because no one could understand what he was saying."
"she is literally retarded. she had brain cancer so they literally took out part of her brain. she is so annoying. good for you that you survived cancer, but just no."
get me oooooooout.
"oh good! my friend's new boyfriend wears his garments. so maybe he can help her get active again."
"but we found out that the actor who plays peeta is like, involved with this thing to help teens discover their sexuality, so [my husband] said 'no, i am definitely not being him for halloween,' but i was like, no, it's the actor that does that, not the character peeta."
"they shouldn't hire professors who have english as a second language. i know medical words are already hard to pronounce, but we had to ask him to write it on the board because no one could understand what he was saying."
"she is literally retarded. she had brain cancer so they literally took out part of her brain. she is so annoying. good for you that you survived cancer, but just no."
get me oooooooout.
all the mormon ladiez
when we taught our first sunday school lesson, there were a lot of humbling surprises for me. like how much everyone got where i was coming from. (our lesson was on the martin and willie handcart companies, and our role in 'rescuing' people, including less actives, which obviously is a touchy subject in my mind.) people were so receptive. sitting on the edges of their seats. contributing awesome stories.
but i will tell you who was not on the edge of their seat: the sisters. seeing a bored, even sleepy, even sleeping person in your class is hard for any teacher, but of all the people in the class, the women were the ones who were yawning, leaning all over their husbands, and looking at the floor.
i was very taken aback. of course there were exceptions, especially one awesome sister who has spoken very openly about depression and about 'why don't we talk about certain things in the church? not everyone is ok' (and also the bishop's wife). and on the other side, one guy was definitely not so interested. but still, the image of those women is burned in to my mind. i didn't succeed in making eye contact with them for an entire 45 minutes. in general, i would say mostly men spoke, even though i taught the majority of the lesson (hubby worked that morning and we didn't exactly prepare the night before).
i am really scared. i think the church might be making their women trivial by trivializing them (see here benevolent sexism, women on a pedestal, relief society meeting being all rainbows and flowers). in my adult lds life, i am developing the same frustration i had as a youth: the youth wanted refreshments, to play around, to be entertained, to spend a lot of money on activities. i wanted more lessons and activities about the savior or about service. the relief society sisters want to socialize, make crafts, not make activities too involved, not talk about anything too hard, mainly talk about how great motherhood is and find ways to make motherhood more bearable. i want more activities about testimonies, being christ-like, and following his ways. now, both of these things are okay in moderation, and of course women, like men, need to be uplifted and to bond, but there is serious, spiritual heavy lifting to be done that is just not being done. for one example, women aren't being frankly called to repentance for gossiping in the relief society general session. lds women love to gossip. the gossip of other women has hurt me more in my wards than anything else. no one talks about it, though, because then they'd be speaking 'harsh' things to their mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends. no one is protecting men's hearts from taking the sting of being called to repentance (although i do wish they would chastise the men less for pornography and wife beating), so why are women being held back because of it?
in my exploration of ordain women, i have thought about what my reaction would be if i suddenly qualified to be ordained, as well as what it would be like. i blatantly reject the notion that men need the priesthood because, essentially, otherwise they would be lazy or sinful (so sexist). but i do think there is something to be said for the more tangible responsibility it gives your worthiness. i think that if i held the priesthood, i would guard my thoughts and actions much more carefully. i think that old idea of 'make sure you are worthy because you could need to give a blessing any second' would make a big impact on me.
i know i should still be christ-like. i know i should still be charitable, a good listener, a generous person--all the things christ was. but knowing your access to god's power is available to you, but only if you're worthy, is just different. it is for me, at least. i wish i had that reason to watch myself. i wish i had an obligation. i wish i had the goal.
but i will tell you who was not on the edge of their seat: the sisters. seeing a bored, even sleepy, even sleeping person in your class is hard for any teacher, but of all the people in the class, the women were the ones who were yawning, leaning all over their husbands, and looking at the floor.
i was very taken aback. of course there were exceptions, especially one awesome sister who has spoken very openly about depression and about 'why don't we talk about certain things in the church? not everyone is ok' (and also the bishop's wife). and on the other side, one guy was definitely not so interested. but still, the image of those women is burned in to my mind. i didn't succeed in making eye contact with them for an entire 45 minutes. in general, i would say mostly men spoke, even though i taught the majority of the lesson (hubby worked that morning and we didn't exactly prepare the night before).
i am really scared. i think the church might be making their women trivial by trivializing them (see here benevolent sexism, women on a pedestal, relief society meeting being all rainbows and flowers). in my adult lds life, i am developing the same frustration i had as a youth: the youth wanted refreshments, to play around, to be entertained, to spend a lot of money on activities. i wanted more lessons and activities about the savior or about service. the relief society sisters want to socialize, make crafts, not make activities too involved, not talk about anything too hard, mainly talk about how great motherhood is and find ways to make motherhood more bearable. i want more activities about testimonies, being christ-like, and following his ways. now, both of these things are okay in moderation, and of course women, like men, need to be uplifted and to bond, but there is serious, spiritual heavy lifting to be done that is just not being done. for one example, women aren't being frankly called to repentance for gossiping in the relief society general session. lds women love to gossip. the gossip of other women has hurt me more in my wards than anything else. no one talks about it, though, because then they'd be speaking 'harsh' things to their mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends. no one is protecting men's hearts from taking the sting of being called to repentance (although i do wish they would chastise the men less for pornography and wife beating), so why are women being held back because of it?
in my exploration of ordain women, i have thought about what my reaction would be if i suddenly qualified to be ordained, as well as what it would be like. i blatantly reject the notion that men need the priesthood because, essentially, otherwise they would be lazy or sinful (so sexist). but i do think there is something to be said for the more tangible responsibility it gives your worthiness. i think that if i held the priesthood, i would guard my thoughts and actions much more carefully. i think that old idea of 'make sure you are worthy because you could need to give a blessing any second' would make a big impact on me.
i know i should still be christ-like. i know i should still be charitable, a good listener, a generous person--all the things christ was. but knowing your access to god's power is available to you, but only if you're worthy, is just different. it is for me, at least. i wish i had that reason to watch myself. i wish i had an obligation. i wish i had the goal.
unharmed
i have never had blood drawn, ever, in my life. i have never been in any kind of an accident. other than several appropriately bad cases of the fever or stomach flu, the most traumatic thing that has happened to my body was having my ears pierced.
i hate going to the dentist. this is the only regular physical "trauma" in my life. i get so nervous that i shake uncontrollably. once a nurse asked me while we were waiting for the dentist if i wanted a blanket. i said yes, but of course i was not cold and the blanket did not help.
i was thinking about my dad and one specific incident a few years ago. he was cycling when he was hit by a fedex truck (which we now call deadex). my mom told me recently that while he was in the hospital after the accident, the doctors pulled her aside and told her that they didn't think he was fighting very hard to stay here. she plead and forcefully leveled with my dad's unconscious body. soon after that he began showing signs of life and eventually fully recovered. i imagine she gave him many of the same pep talks during his battles with cancer. my dad has been through a lot--multiple broken bones, mild muscular dystrophy, many accidents, an unusually high number of cases of pneumonia--and now he is a cancer survivor.
exposure is what builds immunity. i am grateful for a life of health and am not sure whether my unscathed life has contributed to my fear of pain or if my fear of pain has kept me out of trouble. but i am deeply troubled and worried the older i get that when something finally happens to me, i won't be able to cope on a mental and physical level, and that i may not know how to fight to survive.
i hate going to the dentist. this is the only regular physical "trauma" in my life. i get so nervous that i shake uncontrollably. once a nurse asked me while we were waiting for the dentist if i wanted a blanket. i said yes, but of course i was not cold and the blanket did not help.
i was thinking about my dad and one specific incident a few years ago. he was cycling when he was hit by a fedex truck (which we now call deadex). my mom told me recently that while he was in the hospital after the accident, the doctors pulled her aside and told her that they didn't think he was fighting very hard to stay here. she plead and forcefully leveled with my dad's unconscious body. soon after that he began showing signs of life and eventually fully recovered. i imagine she gave him many of the same pep talks during his battles with cancer. my dad has been through a lot--multiple broken bones, mild muscular dystrophy, many accidents, an unusually high number of cases of pneumonia--and now he is a cancer survivor.
exposure is what builds immunity. i am grateful for a life of health and am not sure whether my unscathed life has contributed to my fear of pain or if my fear of pain has kept me out of trouble. but i am deeply troubled and worried the older i get that when something finally happens to me, i won't be able to cope on a mental and physical level, and that i may not know how to fight to survive.
please, for goodness sake
my husband has often laughed with me about / listened to me talk about how i want to go ballistic on my boss because of his unbelievably passive aggressive communication style.
for example, if there is a mistake in my data entry, he will say something like this: "it's the weirdest thing... this line was entered as 'tkj' several times in this sheet but it's supposed to be 'tkh' so it's causing an error in the report i'm doing. i don't know what could have happened, but i just thought i'd point it out to you."
ok... i am the only one who creates this report. OBVIOUSLY i just made a typo. could you please just say, 'megan, you entered this as 'tkj', could you be careful to enter it as 'tkh' in the future?' i mean, if you're really going to even go that anal in the first place, when it was obviously just an oversight that happened one time?
today there was a lunch meeting that i did not attend. a few hours later he came up to me and said, "did you get a chance to grab something to eat?" no, i did not, i had already eaten. "oh, ok. well, we'll probably have to clean that up...................." then he stares in to space as though he is having an epiphany about our responsibility in cleaning up the food, and then walks away abruptly. (this is not an exaggeration.)
i knew then that he was possibly asking me to clean it up, but i knew for sure when he came up another few hours later and said, "i think i am just going to have the custodians take care of it... would that be ok?" sure, that'd be great. because it's their job. and you never actually asked me to do it so i'm not sure why you're asking my permission.
i once overheard him talking with his boss about a difficult situation. my boss suggested that "perhaps you could just make an innocuous comment!" as if this would solve everything and he wouldn't risk stepping on anyone's toes. at that moment, it was the hardest thing of my life not to run over and shout NOOOO.
for example, if there is a mistake in my data entry, he will say something like this: "it's the weirdest thing... this line was entered as 'tkj' several times in this sheet but it's supposed to be 'tkh' so it's causing an error in the report i'm doing. i don't know what could have happened, but i just thought i'd point it out to you."
ok... i am the only one who creates this report. OBVIOUSLY i just made a typo. could you please just say, 'megan, you entered this as 'tkj', could you be careful to enter it as 'tkh' in the future?' i mean, if you're really going to even go that anal in the first place, when it was obviously just an oversight that happened one time?
today there was a lunch meeting that i did not attend. a few hours later he came up to me and said, "did you get a chance to grab something to eat?" no, i did not, i had already eaten. "oh, ok. well, we'll probably have to clean that up...................." then he stares in to space as though he is having an epiphany about our responsibility in cleaning up the food, and then walks away abruptly. (this is not an exaggeration.)
i knew then that he was possibly asking me to clean it up, but i knew for sure when he came up another few hours later and said, "i think i am just going to have the custodians take care of it... would that be ok?" sure, that'd be great. because it's their job. and you never actually asked me to do it so i'm not sure why you're asking my permission.
i once overheard him talking with his boss about a difficult situation. my boss suggested that "perhaps you could just make an innocuous comment!" as if this would solve everything and he wouldn't risk stepping on anyone's toes. at that moment, it was the hardest thing of my life not to run over and shout NOOOO.
it's not happening
i bought new cross trainers, bought a new sports bra, new socks, i have been pumped for zumba for days and it starts in 1 hour.
am i going? i definitely don't think so. and i can't explain why.
even without zumba, i had an awesome evening planned. i miss my husband when he's at work but i also love the time to go where i want, do what i want. my plans included: go to the library. go to rocky mountain chocolate factory. buy some new pants. relax, have an awesome healthy dinner, and enjoy my art history reading. take a nice long bath and look at real simple.
what have i done so far? sat in front of the computer. just like i have been doing since 8am.
why does this happen?
am i going? i definitely don't think so. and i can't explain why.
even without zumba, i had an awesome evening planned. i miss my husband when he's at work but i also love the time to go where i want, do what i want. my plans included: go to the library. go to rocky mountain chocolate factory. buy some new pants. relax, have an awesome healthy dinner, and enjoy my art history reading. take a nice long bath and look at real simple.
what have i done so far? sat in front of the computer. just like i have been doing since 8am.
why does this happen?
"don't use an iud because it's not as easy to start having kids when you feel like you should"
i wish i hadn't listened to my mom about birth control. i wish i had gotten the iud i wanted. i wish she would have listened to me a little more, or that i would have spoken up a little more.
when i have my babies, i want to do it in a freestanding birth center. and i want a doula. i think that is the most hippie thing i have ever said. but, even if i change my mind, i am going to stand up for what i want.
when i have my babies, i want to do it in a freestanding birth center. and i want a doula. i think that is the most hippie thing i have ever said. but, even if i change my mind, i am going to stand up for what i want.
thanks obama!
what blows my mind about people who criticize supporters of obamacare is that they don't seem to realize that supporters have thought about possible 'negative effects' and still believe it is worth the effort. that maybe they are willing to receive a little less health care, if that happens, to help more people--or whatever the argument is. if i give any indication of support for obamacare, or try to talk about the good things that will happen, people look at me like i'm stupid. the costs. the cuts on coverage. yadda. do you not see me, a young and brand new professional, newly married, with kids in the future, with ALL of my assets and investments up in the air, and you think that i haven't thought about that?
i also do not understand why people are mad at obama instead of being upset with the insurance companies and medical providers--they are the ones pushing and keeping prices up. i know little about the medical system or about insurance companies, but i do feel like people will not give a potentially better healthcare system a chance because there is sacrifice in the short term. these things take time, and the insurance and medical communities will chill out over time or change completely, but people will not give up what they've had, even if it might help people less fortunate. i also understand that doctors go through tons of schooling and of course i'm grateful for that, but it concerns me that young med school students (guys, mostly) are very concerned about having the six+ figure lifestyle they thought they were getting when they could live comfortably for less. i understand that the practice itself has to make enough to survive, but i just feel like there must be options.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but i find the whole conversation very frustrating.
i also do not understand why people are mad at obama instead of being upset with the insurance companies and medical providers--they are the ones pushing and keeping prices up. i know little about the medical system or about insurance companies, but i do feel like people will not give a potentially better healthcare system a chance because there is sacrifice in the short term. these things take time, and the insurance and medical communities will chill out over time or change completely, but people will not give up what they've had, even if it might help people less fortunate. i also understand that doctors go through tons of schooling and of course i'm grateful for that, but it concerns me that young med school students (guys, mostly) are very concerned about having the six+ figure lifestyle they thought they were getting when they could live comfortably for less. i understand that the practice itself has to make enough to survive, but i just feel like there must be options.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but i find the whole conversation very frustrating.
o rly?
i really like most of the full-time guys i work with. they are good guys. but sometimes they just get me. in talking about a week-long leadership conference some of them attended, they talked about how surprised they were with the group they ended up with.
they talked about a "young lady of color" who is from the bronx, and how surprised they were at "how smart she was" and what a good job she did for their team on their powerpoint.
then they talked about a guy with "a scraggly mustache and beard" who had graduated from a fine arts school "but" was really, really smart--probably the smartest guy there.
then they said how they learned not to judge people by their "looks."
cool story guys.
they talked about a "young lady of color" who is from the bronx, and how surprised they were at "how smart she was" and what a good job she did for their team on their powerpoint.
then they talked about a guy with "a scraggly mustache and beard" who had graduated from a fine arts school "but" was really, really smart--probably the smartest guy there.
then they said how they learned not to judge people by their "looks."
cool story guys.
omnipotence and selfishness
one of my employees (medicaid) was talking today about her experience taking a philosophy class to fulfill a GE. on the first day of class, they were discussing reasons people give for not believing in god. someone brought up the argument that if he existed, he wouldn't let bad things happen to us, which led someone to comment that he doesn't have power to do anything he wants. "for example," the guy said, "he can't make a triangle a square."
this girl said she was so taken aback. she acknowledged that philosophy majors like to play devil's advocate and question everything, but she felt like it was crossing a line. she said it bothered her so much that if something like it came up again, she was going to raise her hand and tell them to stop. she wondered how they could say it when the scriptures "literally say" that god is "all powerful."
i thought this was fascinating. i feel very strongly that there are very set laws in the universe. call them laws of nature or of science or whatever. i believe god follows them just as all of us do. there are laws, processes, and organization to the matter of the universe and i believe gods become gods when they have a perfect knowledge of those laws and are perfectly obedient to them. i believe that this is why they have "all power." i think it's interesting that religion and science have been at odds for so long, in human terms. in my mind, science is, in a way, perfect religion. i think they are both governed by obedience. in religion, we become like god as we are obedient to the commandments of our heavenly parents. (not temporary, relative, cultural commandments, mind you, but a combination of the broad law of love, generosity, acceptance, and the specific ordinances and covenants god has prearranged. which starts to look a lot like a worship in mind of a great universal goodness seen more in eastern religions.) in science, all matter follows the laws of nature. the elements are perfectly obedient, and we are not. this brings up complicated questions, like what about when jesus commanded the sea to be calm? i think we talk about the elements obeying godly command because we do see that power as all powerful, but i think in reality they just abide by the same laws, speak the same languages, have a mutual respect and power, the way electrons automatically know how to interact. or perhaps there is a principle of human spirit ruling over the non-animated elements, a more advanced, "spiritual" meaning of "stewardship over the earth." yes, godliness is submitting to and obeying these laws, but they give gods power, rather than take it away. (isn't that an lds thought anyway? that obedience frees us from being powerless?) heavenly father has also told us that there are things he himself can't do (for example, "change", or he wouldn't be a god, or take away someone's agency, or he wouldn't be a god), so the idea of his all powerfulness is inherently complicated.
i digress.
one of my other employees then shared how they were talking in her psychology class about hedonism and similar concepts. she said she had never thought about doing good for others in order to return to god as making that original good act inherently selfish. she said she began thinking of the most fundamental thing she could: why do i love god? she said she thought of many different reasons, but they were all centered around her: "because he loves me." "because of all he does for me." etc. they talked at a little length about different reasons for why they love god.
again, fascinating, and my first reaction was that selfishness isn't always bad. i know that goes against a slew of modern general conference talks, and i know it says in the scriptures to lose our lives to find them. i also do believe that selfishness is at the root of all sin (which makes sin much simpler in my mind but also disqualifies a lot of acts that orthodox lds people would see as sinful as not actually so) but also that the human, and especially lds version, of sin is culturally imperfect (i haven't studied enough to say if it's scripturally sound). i think it is ok that are on an inherently selfish internal quest to find out what god is, what our relationship is, and what that means to us. (this search, obviously, is not so simple as the traditionally packaged and bowed lds answer.) we are told that exaltation is a family matter achieved with sealings, but that salvation is specifically individual. it is an inherently selfish journey of selflessness.
i also thought a lot about where love for god--or for anything--comes from. my first thought was that it's culturally learned, because christians are taught that god loves us and we love him too. however, i thought more about agnostics or more specifically people who have never heard of god. if someone was raised without any indication or idea of god (if this is psychologically possible), would they yearn to know god (assuming god exists)? i feel like, yes. this is kind of impossible because everyone on earth has heard of some kind of god; however, there are stories of people who don't believe in religion or have chosen not to be religious but still feel like something's missing. i think the easiest answer for this, in lds terms, is the light of christ. there is still some kind of spiritual experience that we don't understand, that comes from time to time when we're listening. i think, ultimately, that love comes from the spirit or is the spirit, which we always have access to as humans (and probably as intelligences, too). when parents have a child, they (usually) love it instantly and without reason. psychological studies have shown that there is a literal, chemical reaction that happens (or should happen, at least within the mother) when a baby is born (although these chemicals are blocked by some of the drugs hospitals use on childbearing women........but this is a whole 'nother post), but, as per above, isn't science just religion? i think we will find that the spiritual is the scientific and that we love god because there is a permanent, eternal relationship and intensely spiritual (and yes, even "scientific", which is easy to argue when our relationship with our biological parents is scientific) connection there.
i didn't tell them any of this, even though they vaguely, indirectly, kind of asked when the second girl said "so if either of you think of an answer"... because, seriously, who would just say this shit? me (and not me), i'm weird like that.
this girl said she was so taken aback. she acknowledged that philosophy majors like to play devil's advocate and question everything, but she felt like it was crossing a line. she said it bothered her so much that if something like it came up again, she was going to raise her hand and tell them to stop. she wondered how they could say it when the scriptures "literally say" that god is "all powerful."
i thought this was fascinating. i feel very strongly that there are very set laws in the universe. call them laws of nature or of science or whatever. i believe god follows them just as all of us do. there are laws, processes, and organization to the matter of the universe and i believe gods become gods when they have a perfect knowledge of those laws and are perfectly obedient to them. i believe that this is why they have "all power." i think it's interesting that religion and science have been at odds for so long, in human terms. in my mind, science is, in a way, perfect religion. i think they are both governed by obedience. in religion, we become like god as we are obedient to the commandments of our heavenly parents. (not temporary, relative, cultural commandments, mind you, but a combination of the broad law of love, generosity, acceptance, and the specific ordinances and covenants god has prearranged. which starts to look a lot like a worship in mind of a great universal goodness seen more in eastern religions.) in science, all matter follows the laws of nature. the elements are perfectly obedient, and we are not. this brings up complicated questions, like what about when jesus commanded the sea to be calm? i think we talk about the elements obeying godly command because we do see that power as all powerful, but i think in reality they just abide by the same laws, speak the same languages, have a mutual respect and power, the way electrons automatically know how to interact. or perhaps there is a principle of human spirit ruling over the non-animated elements, a more advanced, "spiritual" meaning of "stewardship over the earth." yes, godliness is submitting to and obeying these laws, but they give gods power, rather than take it away. (isn't that an lds thought anyway? that obedience frees us from being powerless?) heavenly father has also told us that there are things he himself can't do (for example, "change", or he wouldn't be a god, or take away someone's agency, or he wouldn't be a god), so the idea of his all powerfulness is inherently complicated.
i digress.
one of my other employees then shared how they were talking in her psychology class about hedonism and similar concepts. she said she had never thought about doing good for others in order to return to god as making that original good act inherently selfish. she said she began thinking of the most fundamental thing she could: why do i love god? she said she thought of many different reasons, but they were all centered around her: "because he loves me." "because of all he does for me." etc. they talked at a little length about different reasons for why they love god.
again, fascinating, and my first reaction was that selfishness isn't always bad. i know that goes against a slew of modern general conference talks, and i know it says in the scriptures to lose our lives to find them. i also do believe that selfishness is at the root of all sin (which makes sin much simpler in my mind but also disqualifies a lot of acts that orthodox lds people would see as sinful as not actually so) but also that the human, and especially lds version, of sin is culturally imperfect (i haven't studied enough to say if it's scripturally sound). i think it is ok that are on an inherently selfish internal quest to find out what god is, what our relationship is, and what that means to us. (this search, obviously, is not so simple as the traditionally packaged and bowed lds answer.) we are told that exaltation is a family matter achieved with sealings, but that salvation is specifically individual. it is an inherently selfish journey of selflessness.
i also thought a lot about where love for god--or for anything--comes from. my first thought was that it's culturally learned, because christians are taught that god loves us and we love him too. however, i thought more about agnostics or more specifically people who have never heard of god. if someone was raised without any indication or idea of god (if this is psychologically possible), would they yearn to know god (assuming god exists)? i feel like, yes. this is kind of impossible because everyone on earth has heard of some kind of god; however, there are stories of people who don't believe in religion or have chosen not to be religious but still feel like something's missing. i think the easiest answer for this, in lds terms, is the light of christ. there is still some kind of spiritual experience that we don't understand, that comes from time to time when we're listening. i think, ultimately, that love comes from the spirit or is the spirit, which we always have access to as humans (and probably as intelligences, too). when parents have a child, they (usually) love it instantly and without reason. psychological studies have shown that there is a literal, chemical reaction that happens (or should happen, at least within the mother) when a baby is born (although these chemicals are blocked by some of the drugs hospitals use on childbearing women........but this is a whole 'nother post), but, as per above, isn't science just religion? i think we will find that the spiritual is the scientific and that we love god because there is a permanent, eternal relationship and intensely spiritual (and yes, even "scientific", which is easy to argue when our relationship with our biological parents is scientific) connection there.
i didn't tell them any of this, even though they vaguely, indirectly, kind of asked when the second girl said "so if either of you think of an answer"... because, seriously, who would just say this shit? me (and not me), i'm weird like that.
a lot has changed in a little
our talks went well. really well. we wrote them the morning we gave them (12:30 church), which i don't feel even 1% guilty about. people act like you won't be able to access the spirit on such short notice, or give a good talk if you hadn't studied it for a week or more, but then they also tell missionaries what an honor it is to be able to speak with little to no preparation, to speak from the heart and to always have a little something prepared.
i was really surprised at what come out in my talk. it was genuinely me, even with where i'm at with everything. completely honest: i was more nervous about bearing my testimony at the end than i was about giving the talk. i didn't want to get up there and say something i didn't believe, or that i didn't feel like saying. and i didn't, but i feel like i still bore a strong, powerful testimony.
we are now sunday school teachers. i find this ironic and weird. and i'm a little afraid of what i'll say up there. our being called doesn't have anything to do with how the talks went, but i do feel very encouraged. i am actually happy to be called to teach sunday school, and i think i knew ever since we got the phone call that that's what it was.
when i taught relief society a few years ago, i was going through some really rough stuff, and already pulling away from my ward and byu religion but also what i had grown up with, on a large scale for the first time. i felt incredibly nonreligious 90% of the week, but when i would sit down to write my lessons, i knew that i could teach by the spirit and i knew that if i prayed for it the spirit would touch those who heard my lesson. there was no question in my mind. i feel like that's the same spirit in which i wrote my talk, and the spirit again came, strongly. husband and i were talking about this the other day--people in the church act like if you do one wrong thing, you lose the spirit and you can't get it back until you've gone through arduous processes. and i understand this is a principle of repentance, and i really believe in repentance. but it has been at the dark times in my life that i felt the spirit the strongest and felt the most direct connection with heaven. when i am dropping f bombs and generally swearing like a sailor, and then giving a powerful talk the next hour, feeling the spirit more than i have in months, it is a really strange but kind of comforting experience. it's reshaping the way i think about the spirit and making me wonder what is really at the heart of everything. i am grateful for the opportunity to be a sunday school teacher because i can experience this spirit on a regular basis. i don't believe the lord holds back the spirit from teachers who honestly want to teach well. and while i realize that may be more for the good of the audience than the teacher, it's no doubt that the teacher benefits by it. i did as a relief society teacher, and i know i will now.
i am still pulling away in some ways, even if i am feeling closer to heaven in others. lately i am struggling mostly with garments. besides the fact that it is still deathly hot, and that i have gained weight in the past year, making them more tight and uncomfortable, i do believe they are an outward showing of what i believe. i have a very honest desire to go back to the temple and see what's there. re-see it. i really want to go back and wear my garments there, in worship and honestly seeking to understand why the temple is such a pinnacle of LDS faith.
over the long weekend husband and i stopped in victoria's secret. even if i did wear garments all the time, a girl's still gotta have something for when TOM visits, and i was needing new undies. i told myself this was a very reasonable and started picking stuff out. my respect and love for my husband has grown a lot in regards to his respecting my decisions. i am very grateful to him. we feel very differently about garments--and about feminism, and about a lot of the things on my mind--but he has never made me feel bad about wearing or not wearing them. as i picked out underwear, i think both he and i knew i would really be wearing them more than just when i needed to wear a pad. but he knows how i feel, and to his credit, he grabbed my lovely batch of panties, took them to the register, and paid for them himself.
more than anything, i want to start from basics. i feel like unlearning can be as important (or more important) as learning. i feel like i have unlearned a lot of harmful things, and i want to steer back towards believing and being active and engaging as i do believe we are meant to. i want to see what is at the very bottom line of my testimony, and build on that.
more than anything, i want to start from basics. i feel like unlearning can be as important (or more important) as learning. i feel like i have unlearned a lot of harmful things, and i want to steer back towards believing and being active and engaging as i do believe we are meant to. i want to see what is at the very bottom line of my testimony, and build on that.
republicans
this conversation took place right at my desk yesterday between two full-time employees:
employee 1: "well, there is never enough money!"
employee 2: "yeah, the government wants to take it all. the government thinks it knows what's best for our money more than we do."
employee 1: "yep. well, it's our own fault for reelecting obama."
employee 2: "no, it's the fault of the idiots who reelected him. i didn't vote for him."
employee 1: "well, that's what i meant. it's the fault of... those people. the people that voted for him, not us."
employee 2: "yeah, idiots."
i was fuming. comments like this are made ALL the time in my office, but having it take place three feet in front of me, as a supporter of obama and a friend to many, many good people who are democrats, i was disgusted. i felt sick to my stomach. it was the beginning of a long, terrible day, and i didn't even go back to my building to work after lunch.
either they didn't notice my horrified, sick stare straight ahead or they don't care. my employee, who was at the desk with me (the republican who trash talked welfare and is now on welfare), knows i'm liberal, but she didn't say anything, as she never had. (during the election when they would go on for hours she would even say things like, 'i don't know why obama supporters don't stand up and defend themselves.' i'm pretty sure that was directed at me. well, she never asked.) should i have stood up to them? what would i have said if they asked me?
i didn't vote for obama (i didn't vote.... i know, shame), but i was this ' ' close to saying, "uhm, i voted for obama." i'm sure they would have asked "why?" probably i would have said, "because i'm an idiot, of course!!!" what if i had said, "oh, i get it. so you're upset about your money going to help people, other republicans, like m----- here that are on welfare?" i wonder what they all would have said then.but the truth is: i am severely repulsed by republicans and their attitudes.
i was taking ap gov while the 2008 presidential race was going on. i remember self identifying as slightly liberal (i am much more liberal now), and came home to ask my parents a few things. i brought it up to them, i still remember they were sitting on the couch together folding laundry, and they immediately started putting down my questions and potential ideas. 'we've always been afraid that you were getting a liberal education in this state,' they said. i will never forget that. it was a legitimate concern, but i was asking questions about the gospel, politics, and how the two intersect, and they were jumping to conclusions. they told me 'the right' stance to have and it escalated quickly because i started walking out of the room when they wouldn't listen to me.
that was the beginning of a long, distrusting, disliking relationship with republicans.
i know there must be good republicans out there. i know that disliking them so much is no better than them when they are putting down and calling democrats evil and idiots. i don't want to contribute to the hatefulness between the parties that permeated the last election, and i have never, ever spoken up before, not even again to my parents. but in my interactions with them they are consistently inhumane, closed minded, and quite frankly, disgusting. they are the ones that call all hispanics "mexicans" and get livid about printing school publicans in two languages, that champion the traditions that i think hurt so many, that believe the constitution is hanging by a thread, and that talk about the "gay agenda" and try to project their values on other people without taking those people's experiences into thought or consideration.
i don't even support that many democrat party platforms or policies. but i think it would be one of the most shameful things i could say about myself if i were to say i was a republican.
employee 1: "well, there is never enough money!"
employee 2: "yeah, the government wants to take it all. the government thinks it knows what's best for our money more than we do."
employee 1: "yep. well, it's our own fault for reelecting obama."
employee 2: "no, it's the fault of the idiots who reelected him. i didn't vote for him."
employee 1: "well, that's what i meant. it's the fault of... those people. the people that voted for him, not us."
employee 2: "yeah, idiots."
i was fuming. comments like this are made ALL the time in my office, but having it take place three feet in front of me, as a supporter of obama and a friend to many, many good people who are democrats, i was disgusted. i felt sick to my stomach. it was the beginning of a long, terrible day, and i didn't even go back to my building to work after lunch.
either they didn't notice my horrified, sick stare straight ahead or they don't care. my employee, who was at the desk with me (the republican who trash talked welfare and is now on welfare), knows i'm liberal, but she didn't say anything, as she never had. (during the election when they would go on for hours she would even say things like, 'i don't know why obama supporters don't stand up and defend themselves.' i'm pretty sure that was directed at me. well, she never asked.) should i have stood up to them? what would i have said if they asked me?
i didn't vote for obama (i didn't vote.... i know, shame), but i was this ' ' close to saying, "uhm, i voted for obama." i'm sure they would have asked "why?" probably i would have said, "because i'm an idiot, of course!!!" what if i had said, "oh, i get it. so you're upset about your money going to help people, other republicans, like m----- here that are on welfare?" i wonder what they all would have said then.but the truth is: i am severely repulsed by republicans and their attitudes.
i was taking ap gov while the 2008 presidential race was going on. i remember self identifying as slightly liberal (i am much more liberal now), and came home to ask my parents a few things. i brought it up to them, i still remember they were sitting on the couch together folding laundry, and they immediately started putting down my questions and potential ideas. 'we've always been afraid that you were getting a liberal education in this state,' they said. i will never forget that. it was a legitimate concern, but i was asking questions about the gospel, politics, and how the two intersect, and they were jumping to conclusions. they told me 'the right' stance to have and it escalated quickly because i started walking out of the room when they wouldn't listen to me.
that was the beginning of a long, distrusting, disliking relationship with republicans.
i know there must be good republicans out there. i know that disliking them so much is no better than them when they are putting down and calling democrats evil and idiots. i don't want to contribute to the hatefulness between the parties that permeated the last election, and i have never, ever spoken up before, not even again to my parents. but in my interactions with them they are consistently inhumane, closed minded, and quite frankly, disgusting. they are the ones that call all hispanics "mexicans" and get livid about printing school publicans in two languages, that champion the traditions that i think hurt so many, that believe the constitution is hanging by a thread, and that talk about the "gay agenda" and try to project their values on other people without taking those people's experiences into thought or consideration.
i don't even support that many democrat party platforms or policies. but i think it would be one of the most shameful things i could say about myself if i were to say i was a republican.
church
we're speaking in sacrament meeting next sunday. he asked us right after sacrament meeting with tons of people around (awkward) and i could tell he thought there was a good chance we'd say no. then last night we get a call that hubs and i have a meeting with "the bishopric" this sunday as well. husband is having horror visions of smack downs with all the bishopric there, but i think it will be one of the counselors and, if it's both of us, then it's a calling. there are only so many callings couples get together. my first thought is sunday school (please, if there is anything good left in the universe, do not force me to accept a sunday school teaching calling) but i am personally hoping for nursery.
obgy-no
as i've been thinking about this article going around, i was reminded of an experience i had with a doctor. i had my first obgyn experience as a premarital exam at the urging of my mother. before the exam, we sat in the doctor's office and he gave a little spiel. he recommended a specific lube, a book on intimacy in marriage, all fine. then he asked if i had been sexually active before. the question didn't bother me and is regularly asked in the medical community. but when i answered "no" he said, "good girl."
i thought it was weird even then, but was so anxious that i wasn't worrying about it. it didn't have some of the same dynamics as a bishop-young woman scenario, but the same power dynamic of older, specifically lds man obgyn-young woman was there. if i had said "yes" he probably wouldn't have said anything (hopefully). he has been a doctor to many women in my family, including my mom, and probably remembered we (or at least they, as far as he knew) are lds. but i still felt so ew about it.
i thought it was weird even then, but was so anxious that i wasn't worrying about it. it didn't have some of the same dynamics as a bishop-young woman scenario, but the same power dynamic of older, specifically lds man obgyn-young woman was there. if i had said "yes" he probably wouldn't have said anything (hopefully). he has been a doctor to many women in my family, including my mom, and probably remembered we (or at least they, as far as he knew) are lds. but i still felt so ew about it.
ps
to prove my point, this is literally word for a word a transcript from my training video:
interviewer: "our first question comes to us from sprint. it's from deborah and deborah asks, 'why is being a woman a strike against carlin?' you mentioned that."
old white guy: "first of all, i just want to say two things. one is that i wish i could spend a lot of time on every one of the questions. second is, sort of a little self congratulations. i often measure how effective i've been by the quality of the questions and i just glanced briefly through those questions and they're incredible.
"ok. and i think there were two from that person? ok. about the q... being a woman... yeah, uh, when i.. i see what could have been taken as a, a sexist remark and i hope you didn't take it that way... um, being a woman, first of all, in a man's world, of course, it... look, um, rosabeth moss kanter wrote a book years ago, a book called men and women in the corporation and she talked about what it means to be an 'o' when everyone else is an 'x', and she's in a culture, uh, a male culture, an engineering culture, where being a woman and being the top is a new thing, although there are some women in the top group of HP, it is still an unusual thing. she is an icon for women right now and we're all hoping those of us who want to see more women in top leadership positions... uh, that she will succeed. but, but, i do think all those three factors, just as with um, um, so, some women i've interviewed in another study i did, um, um women leaders seventy years and older, mini siebert was the first woman to be appointed to the new york city.. new york stock exchange and she, uh, uh, everyone looked but when you're the only 'o' with a bunch of 'x's, when you are looked at more sharply, more viewed, more with more wariness, and uh, and uh, and that's why, uh, she.. she has to be... and by the way, i think effective women leaders and effective men leaders share the same qualities incidentally. and that's... that's why i brought her, brought it up... it's still a disadvantage, women... there's still a glass ceiling, we're making some progress, but, it's still glacial progress. when brenda barnes came back into the work place, announced just yesterday, having quit pepsi cola ten years ago to be with her kids, many women were disappointed, she was one of the top women leaders at that time, she's returned from taking care of the kids. women... if.. any minority group, women... gay... uh...... a person of color... you are always being looked at more with.. with.. with more caliber ev.. evaluations than... uh, someone who is in the so called 'majority', anyway, that's uh, that's a pretty good answer...... let's do another one there. yeah. yeah."
well um, um said.
interviewer: "our first question comes to us from sprint. it's from deborah and deborah asks, 'why is being a woman a strike against carlin?' you mentioned that."
old white guy: "first of all, i just want to say two things. one is that i wish i could spend a lot of time on every one of the questions. second is, sort of a little self congratulations. i often measure how effective i've been by the quality of the questions and i just glanced briefly through those questions and they're incredible.
"ok. and i think there were two from that person? ok. about the q... being a woman... yeah, uh, when i.. i see what could have been taken as a, a sexist remark and i hope you didn't take it that way... um, being a woman, first of all, in a man's world, of course, it... look, um, rosabeth moss kanter wrote a book years ago, a book called men and women in the corporation and she talked about what it means to be an 'o' when everyone else is an 'x', and she's in a culture, uh, a male culture, an engineering culture, where being a woman and being the top is a new thing, although there are some women in the top group of HP, it is still an unusual thing. she is an icon for women right now and we're all hoping those of us who want to see more women in top leadership positions... uh, that she will succeed. but, but, i do think all those three factors, just as with um, um, so, some women i've interviewed in another study i did, um, um women leaders seventy years and older, mini siebert was the first woman to be appointed to the new york city.. new york stock exchange and she, uh, uh, everyone looked but when you're the only 'o' with a bunch of 'x's, when you are looked at more sharply, more viewed, more with more wariness, and uh, and uh, and that's why, uh, she.. she has to be... and by the way, i think effective women leaders and effective men leaders share the same qualities incidentally. and that's... that's why i brought her, brought it up... it's still a disadvantage, women... there's still a glass ceiling, we're making some progress, but, it's still glacial progress. when brenda barnes came back into the work place, announced just yesterday, having quit pepsi cola ten years ago to be with her kids, many women were disappointed, she was one of the top women leaders at that time, she's returned from taking care of the kids. women... if.. any minority group, women... gay... uh...... a person of color... you are always being looked at more with.. with.. with more caliber ev.. evaluations than... uh, someone who is in the so called 'majority', anyway, that's uh, that's a pretty good answer...... let's do another one there. yeah. yeah."
well um, um said.
old white guy club
i am watching a training video with two white guys because the white guys in my office don't have anything for me to do. the speaker is an old guy who is not that great of a speaker, but he's talking about leadership aka quoting tonnnnns of other old white guys. my butt hurts. i'm tired of sitting around the office. there is no work to do. and yet, i know i'll go home and sit around more and try to recuperate from doing nothing.
i want to feel ALIIIVE. where did that go to?
i also heard someone say the other day, 'they were being groomed for leadership positions.' i remember they were talking about a group of young men but i don't remember who said it or where i was. still, i cannot get it out of my mind because it makes me furious. the age old professions (law, medicine, business, etc) are run by old white guys who want to pass them on to young white guys. these guys are their sons and the sons of their old white guy friends. all of them probably grew up with wealth. instead of having to work for it they just need to be 'groomed'. implied here: hierarchy, unnecessary tradition, limiting advancement based on non performance based factors.
i know this is a generalization, but i still feel upset.
i want to feel ALIIIVE. where did that go to?
i also heard someone say the other day, 'they were being groomed for leadership positions.' i remember they were talking about a group of young men but i don't remember who said it or where i was. still, i cannot get it out of my mind because it makes me furious. the age old professions (law, medicine, business, etc) are run by old white guys who want to pass them on to young white guys. these guys are their sons and the sons of their old white guy friends. all of them probably grew up with wealth. instead of having to work for it they just need to be 'groomed'. implied here: hierarchy, unnecessary tradition, limiting advancement based on non performance based factors.
i know this is a generalization, but i still feel upset.
orange is the new black
after my husband told me his interest had been piqued in orange is the new black, but that he had stopped watching it after a few minutes because of all the boobs, i started watching it. and i finished it in a few days. i was horrified and fascinated and having so much fun.
i then read this interview with the real piper kerman. honestly, i was kind of disappointed. i admire her and agree with the praise the show has received, but when the interview gets to the part where she essentially says that women need special privileges (above men) to parent outside of prison, i was disappointed. i feel like if we really want fatherhood to become as much of the masculine personality as motherhood is for the female, and for everyone to see fatherhood on the same level as motherhood and have equality in parenting, it is inappropriate for women to have privileges over men. if you're going to talk about special allowances for parents that are in prison, it needs to apply to both men and women.
i'm realizing that there is an ideal and a reality to feminism, and that reconciling both of these is difficult. the reality here is that--whether it's caused by an unjust and sexist cultural society or not--more women are primarily responsible for the care of their children, and they do have a disproportionate amount of parenting responsibility, even if the ideal is that fathers and mothers share the responsibility evenly. do we overlook the needs of these women in order to make a point about what the ideal situation would be?
when i go to barnes n noble, i love that there is a big "changing table" sign on both the men and women's restroom doors. i love it. i am weird enough that while i'm on the pot i imagine myself in a leadership position in various companies in a conference room making the point that it's sexist to have changing tables in women's restrooms only, and that i care less about it forcing women to always do the dirty work than i do about how unfair it is to fathers that they can't parent in their own restroom. and then i get this terrible feeling like no one cares. like, who am i as a woman to speak for men? like if they really cared that much, they would have spoken up for themselves and things would be different. this is the reality, and it harshes on my ideal.
learning how to negotiate between the two is weird and hard.
i then read this interview with the real piper kerman. honestly, i was kind of disappointed. i admire her and agree with the praise the show has received, but when the interview gets to the part where she essentially says that women need special privileges (above men) to parent outside of prison, i was disappointed. i feel like if we really want fatherhood to become as much of the masculine personality as motherhood is for the female, and for everyone to see fatherhood on the same level as motherhood and have equality in parenting, it is inappropriate for women to have privileges over men. if you're going to talk about special allowances for parents that are in prison, it needs to apply to both men and women.
i'm realizing that there is an ideal and a reality to feminism, and that reconciling both of these is difficult. the reality here is that--whether it's caused by an unjust and sexist cultural society or not--more women are primarily responsible for the care of their children, and they do have a disproportionate amount of parenting responsibility, even if the ideal is that fathers and mothers share the responsibility evenly. do we overlook the needs of these women in order to make a point about what the ideal situation would be?
when i go to barnes n noble, i love that there is a big "changing table" sign on both the men and women's restroom doors. i love it. i am weird enough that while i'm on the pot i imagine myself in a leadership position in various companies in a conference room making the point that it's sexist to have changing tables in women's restrooms only, and that i care less about it forcing women to always do the dirty work than i do about how unfair it is to fathers that they can't parent in their own restroom. and then i get this terrible feeling like no one cares. like, who am i as a woman to speak for men? like if they really cared that much, they would have spoken up for themselves and things would be different. this is the reality, and it harshes on my ideal.
learning how to negotiate between the two is weird and hard.
heavy
something weird happens when you get fat. everyone around you will still talk about 'fat people' in general and it's never clear if they are doing a poor job trying to tell you personally something, if they have a psychological something that causes them not to view you as fat (even though you are), or if they really just don't care / don't think you can hear them.
my dad and i text jokes back and forth to each other. one day he started making up his own--there were a lot about byu football. then he sends this one:
"what happens when you put a ring on the finger of a byu undergrad?"
"she blows up like a balloon."
i was so shocked. my dad has NEVER said a word against me, and while we disagree about a lot of things (like the constitution and mitt romney and welfare), i cannot even imagine having a contentious relationship with him and have never, ever felt looked down upon by him. i was shocked. in his defense, he was probably on A LOT of drugs, but i just couldn't believe it.
this past weekend we saw all of my family for a farewell. it's ironic, but going around my family makes me feel worse about my body than anything else in my life. my mom and her sisters have all gained a healthy amount of weight from having kids, but other than that the only other overweight person on either side of my family is my aunt carrie (who everyone thinks is a joke, sadly). they are all skinny and good looking and wonderful. i hadn't seen most of them in a long time and as they filed past me in church and said hi i could see that look on their eyes of, 'whoa, what happened to her?'
i have a lot of feelings about weight gain. i've often wondered if growing up with brothers gave me a misconception about my metabolism and therefore caused me to overeat. or if what my mom ate during her pregnancy causes me to eat more / crave more than other people. or if i have depression. or if other people just eat nothing, all the time. or if their bodies just handle it better.
i love my body. i'm amazed with the shit it puts up with. i'm amazed that it will continue to function and grow through all i put it through. whatever you do to it, it just takes it. human life seems fragile but in reality it is difficult to die by lifestyle (even if it is becoming more prevalent). when i'm home and i look in the mirror, i see that my body is a war zone but i also see that it is beautiful and good. i always tell myself it is not so bad, and i mean it. but then i go to the store or the movies or somewhere in public and see the size everyone else is. it is, weirdly, encouraging. it helps me keep perspective and understand that it's good to appreciate my body but that i need to be realistic about what is normal or not.
i've won the mind games before, and i lost a lot of weight. the habit of exercising was so instinctual and bodily. i really did do it for the hormones and how good it felt. i was honestly not doing it to lose weight, it wasn't even a thought. but, not having exercised in more than a year, i don't have bodily memory of what that felt like, and i can't seem to get myself going.
my dad and i text jokes back and forth to each other. one day he started making up his own--there were a lot about byu football. then he sends this one:
"what happens when you put a ring on the finger of a byu undergrad?"
"she blows up like a balloon."
i was so shocked. my dad has NEVER said a word against me, and while we disagree about a lot of things (like the constitution and mitt romney and welfare), i cannot even imagine having a contentious relationship with him and have never, ever felt looked down upon by him. i was shocked. in his defense, he was probably on A LOT of drugs, but i just couldn't believe it.
this past weekend we saw all of my family for a farewell. it's ironic, but going around my family makes me feel worse about my body than anything else in my life. my mom and her sisters have all gained a healthy amount of weight from having kids, but other than that the only other overweight person on either side of my family is my aunt carrie (who everyone thinks is a joke, sadly). they are all skinny and good looking and wonderful. i hadn't seen most of them in a long time and as they filed past me in church and said hi i could see that look on their eyes of, 'whoa, what happened to her?'
i have a lot of feelings about weight gain. i've often wondered if growing up with brothers gave me a misconception about my metabolism and therefore caused me to overeat. or if what my mom ate during her pregnancy causes me to eat more / crave more than other people. or if i have depression. or if other people just eat nothing, all the time. or if their bodies just handle it better.
i love my body. i'm amazed with the shit it puts up with. i'm amazed that it will continue to function and grow through all i put it through. whatever you do to it, it just takes it. human life seems fragile but in reality it is difficult to die by lifestyle (even if it is becoming more prevalent). when i'm home and i look in the mirror, i see that my body is a war zone but i also see that it is beautiful and good. i always tell myself it is not so bad, and i mean it. but then i go to the store or the movies or somewhere in public and see the size everyone else is. it is, weirdly, encouraging. it helps me keep perspective and understand that it's good to appreciate my body but that i need to be realistic about what is normal or not.
i've won the mind games before, and i lost a lot of weight. the habit of exercising was so instinctual and bodily. i really did do it for the hormones and how good it felt. i was honestly not doing it to lose weight, it wasn't even a thought. but, not having exercised in more than a year, i don't have bodily memory of what that felt like, and i can't seem to get myself going.
noisy
even with my struggles with wymount culture, i have really loved our apartment. it is definitely our home. but i don't know what it is this last week... i hear crying babies / kids literally hours of every day. it doesn't help that the people below us have a brand new baby. (they had a new baby last summer too...) i have always disliked those people who complain about kids making noise in restaurants, stores, etc. kids are loud. parenting is loud. i feel like that should be ok. but hearing crying children all the time isn't making me feel more creative / more driven / sexier / more motivated / more willing to spend time on the hard stuff. it makes me feel tired.
the first year of marriage was so difficult and so rewarding. sam and i both have lots of dreams and things we want to do. we have been unbelievably blessed, including through living in this location. and i don't think that not being ready for kids means i should / can dislike everyone else for having kids, especially living somewhere built for those people. but i feel trapped here, and i feel like it's ok for us to not be ready to have kids but that maybe we are not spending that time wisely. i feel like we are living in a place that represents where we want to be in five or ten years, and that it's preventing us from living fully in the moment. even if i can get over being bugged by the noise, it's very psychological.
if i didn't hate moving, i would move.
the first year of marriage was so difficult and so rewarding. sam and i both have lots of dreams and things we want to do. we have been unbelievably blessed, including through living in this location. and i don't think that not being ready for kids means i should / can dislike everyone else for having kids, especially living somewhere built for those people. but i feel trapped here, and i feel like it's ok for us to not be ready to have kids but that maybe we are not spending that time wisely. i feel like we are living in a place that represents where we want to be in five or ten years, and that it's preventing us from living fully in the moment. even if i can get over being bugged by the noise, it's very psychological.
if i didn't hate moving, i would move.
bladders, cups, management vent
i once spent an entire staff meeting sharing what i felt was valuable information with my employees. i tried to engage them, tried to share exciting and even confidential info with them where appropriate, tried to kick their motivation and drive on. i felt good. i felt on. i felt like i was relatable and professional. but at the end when i asked if they had questions or comments about where our team was going, they wanted to know why i had taken the cups out of the supply cupboard. these girls had been using so many cups that it was essentially costing us hundreds of dollars per month, and there were never supplies for when the department actually needed them. i had moved the cup stash to a place less at their disposal, leaving a package in the cupboard for their use with the idea that when they ran out, they ran out, until i replenished them when we reordered cups. i explained that we simply could not afford for them to use so many cups, to which one girl replied, "well, it's fine, i found them and put them in the cupboard so they're there now." i could not believe they were livid about cups. i couldn't believe that after a productive meeting of the highest quality i could put on, they wanted to argue about cups. something in me died a little that day.
maybe this is just management. maybe there will always be employees who only care about unlimited access to free cups (so much so that they were search the building and take it in their own hands). but i was frustrated that i had failed to inspire them and frustrated that i continued to feel like i was babysitting.
the same girl who looked for the cups literally uses the bathroom 4 - 8 times every day during her 4 hour shift. as a manager, this is infuriating. her whole job is to watch the desk, answer every phone call, and hold down the fort. i can't trust her to do this. i have calmly explained to her that it is her job to cover the desk and that if there isn't anyone else there, there is simply not an option to go off and use the bathroom. she was unresponsive. in fact, shortly after that she asked a random employee who knows nothing about her job to cover the desk while she went to the bathroom. ...really? you couldn't hold it for one hour? i understand that everyone goes to the bathroom, and in an emergency or even once in a while i'd be happy to cover for her. but she is unresponsive to constructive criticism and the fact that i need to do my job. she drinks water incessantly and is not helping herself.
i am embarrassed that this infuriates me. i am embarrassed for her. am i seriously going to have to sit down in her performance review and talk to her about her bladder? ask her why she can't wait to drink water until business allows or she is at home? i am embarrassed for them that they are grown ass women and they can't control their bladders. i am embarrassed for myself that i spend 40 hours a week babysitting.
is this just what management is?
maybe this is just management. maybe there will always be employees who only care about unlimited access to free cups (so much so that they were search the building and take it in their own hands). but i was frustrated that i had failed to inspire them and frustrated that i continued to feel like i was babysitting.
the same girl who looked for the cups literally uses the bathroom 4 - 8 times every day during her 4 hour shift. as a manager, this is infuriating. her whole job is to watch the desk, answer every phone call, and hold down the fort. i can't trust her to do this. i have calmly explained to her that it is her job to cover the desk and that if there isn't anyone else there, there is simply not an option to go off and use the bathroom. she was unresponsive. in fact, shortly after that she asked a random employee who knows nothing about her job to cover the desk while she went to the bathroom. ...really? you couldn't hold it for one hour? i understand that everyone goes to the bathroom, and in an emergency or even once in a while i'd be happy to cover for her. but she is unresponsive to constructive criticism and the fact that i need to do my job. she drinks water incessantly and is not helping herself.
i am embarrassed that this infuriates me. i am embarrassed for her. am i seriously going to have to sit down in her performance review and talk to her about her bladder? ask her why she can't wait to drink water until business allows or she is at home? i am embarrassed for them that they are grown ass women and they can't control their bladders. i am embarrassed for myself that i spend 40 hours a week babysitting.
is this just what management is?
medicaid
the same girl in my office who bitched the whole election that all democrats are on welfare and ruining the country = she, and her husband, just got approved for medicaid (she will tell anyone who even brushes the topic).
i couldn't care less, but i hope she knows she should be eating her words.
i couldn't care less, but i hope she knows she should be eating her words.
the only time i have been mad at god
i am not someone who is often asking myself, 'why would god do this?' of the 'why do bad things happen to good people?' variety. that has never really been my faith crisis, and i've always been willing to suspend conclusion and keep looking for an answer that fits the personality of what i believe is a teaching, compassionate god with interworking plans that span world history. but last year when i got married i was having a really hard time. female sexuality is not talked about by the lds community. after being married, i was quickly becoming a more involved feminist, and sex was not helping. the thing that really killed me is that sex seemed to end with male orgasm. when the man is done, it is done with, no matter where the woman is at. i found this highly unfair and besides trying to figure out sex in the first place, i was struggling with added feelings that this only reaffirms the attitude some church members have about chastity (sex is dirty; desire should be strongly tethered and sexual exploration, even in marriage, can be devastating and therefore should be avoided to also avoid the chance) and what sex is for (making babies, right?? so who cares of women are satisfied?). i was furious about this. i was mad at heavenly father. looking back, maybe this is unfair, because while he has a body, i don't believe he designed our bodies--i assume he got his from parents that looked like him as well, and that the body is a long perfected design. but it deepened my fears that women's individuation (especially in stride with the individuation of men), to use a jungian term, is not important to eternity, heaven, or to god. having biology and eternal design against you are pretty hefty set backs.
i really believe the lds community could benefit from discussion and from women coming out and talking about these issues. i also realize that unhealthy beliefs of what a wife owes her husband, of what sex should be like for a wife, etc, are not (one blessing of the digital age is that women are talking on these discussions and initiating them themselves.) sex is a reflection of marriage which, with an lds perspective, is a reflection of eternity, which is why i was so torn apart. for me, the gospel is true, but there is a point where church and especially its culture need to stop and psychology, biology, and the experience of the individual (after all, god gave us our bodies, brains, and lives) need to start doing the explaining. my relationship with my husband has grown unbelievably, and working through frustration has made us both better spouses. maybe this happens naturally in marriages, as it has for us, and then couples are just private about it. but for me, it was a source of agony and a big learning experience. mostly i have learned that if your marriage is happy and committed, it will have the spirit in it and it's hard to believe heavenly father would be upset with it.
i really believe the lds community could benefit from discussion and from women coming out and talking about these issues. i also realize that unhealthy beliefs of what a wife owes her husband, of what sex should be like for a wife, etc, are not (one blessing of the digital age is that women are talking on these discussions and initiating them themselves.) sex is a reflection of marriage which, with an lds perspective, is a reflection of eternity, which is why i was so torn apart. for me, the gospel is true, but there is a point where church and especially its culture need to stop and psychology, biology, and the experience of the individual (after all, god gave us our bodies, brains, and lives) need to start doing the explaining. my relationship with my husband has grown unbelievably, and working through frustration has made us both better spouses. maybe this happens naturally in marriages, as it has for us, and then couples are just private about it. but for me, it was a source of agony and a big learning experience. mostly i have learned that if your marriage is happy and committed, it will have the spirit in it and it's hard to believe heavenly father would be upset with it.
scripture study
i have two brothers on missions right now, both stateside. one of them has been using facebook his entire mission, by decision of his mission president, but the other is now coming online as per the big announcement that missionaries will begin using much more media.
the second brother just accepted my friend request (as suggested by my mom) today, and he immediately added all of us--his parents and us five kids--to a secret group called 'family scripture study return and report'. i. love. it. i want to read my scriptures for the first time in years. i don't know why it seems so engaging, and maybe it's just that i miss connecting with him, and with us all as a family, but it feels so special.
this brother and i haven't gotten along well in the past. he is a headstrong and exceptional jock and i am an intellectual. we always butted heads growing up, at each others' throats. he is becoming such an incredible man, and we have grown very close. maybe closer than i am with my other siblings.
today i'm grateful for him, and i thin i'm going to read my scriptures tonight.
the second brother just accepted my friend request (as suggested by my mom) today, and he immediately added all of us--his parents and us five kids--to a secret group called 'family scripture study return and report'. i. love. it. i want to read my scriptures for the first time in years. i don't know why it seems so engaging, and maybe it's just that i miss connecting with him, and with us all as a family, but it feels so special.
this brother and i haven't gotten along well in the past. he is a headstrong and exceptional jock and i am an intellectual. we always butted heads growing up, at each others' throats. he is becoming such an incredible man, and we have grown very close. maybe closer than i am with my other siblings.
today i'm grateful for him, and i thin i'm going to read my scriptures tonight.
maiden name
whenever my maiden name shows up around the office, my boss always points it out to me.
each day every employee fills out a little report of what their work hours went to that day (so we can charge customers accordingly). literally my first day back after my honeymoon, my boss brings my report back to me and showed me that my "old" name was on it... which i didn't appreciate. i know he was trying to help me and thought i had forgotten, but it was very much on purpose and it's not really his business. what if i wasn't changing my name? that would have been awkward. being that it is a legal document, i put my then-legal name on it (and i didn't end up officially changing my name for several months).
it's been a year and this still happens. earlier this week we were scheduling some online reports. our work email addresses are firstname_lastname@-. i have arranged with tech support to have both the emails for my maiden name and married name to come to me since people know me in my professional life by both names. the form required an email, and i put in my maiden name email address. "op!! you put in your old name! was it just out of habit?" my boss said as soon as i had done it. in the past i have laughed it off, but this time i said something like, 'i don't think it really matters.' he then made some joke about me still trying out my new last name and not being sure if i will keep it. (leave-your-husband / husband-as a-trial-product jokes got old about...... a year ago.)
i know he means well, but i am both girls, and it's just not his business.
each day every employee fills out a little report of what their work hours went to that day (so we can charge customers accordingly). literally my first day back after my honeymoon, my boss brings my report back to me and showed me that my "old" name was on it... which i didn't appreciate. i know he was trying to help me and thought i had forgotten, but it was very much on purpose and it's not really his business. what if i wasn't changing my name? that would have been awkward. being that it is a legal document, i put my then-legal name on it (and i didn't end up officially changing my name for several months).
it's been a year and this still happens. earlier this week we were scheduling some online reports. our work email addresses are firstname_lastname@-. i have arranged with tech support to have both the emails for my maiden name and married name to come to me since people know me in my professional life by both names. the form required an email, and i put in my maiden name email address. "op!! you put in your old name! was it just out of habit?" my boss said as soon as i had done it. in the past i have laughed it off, but this time i said something like, 'i don't think it really matters.' he then made some joke about me still trying out my new last name and not being sure if i will keep it. (leave-your-husband / husband-as a-trial-product jokes got old about...... a year ago.)
i know he means well, but i am both girls, and it's just not his business.
pps
my calling is to serve on the relief society activities committee, which i can say i have done faithfully, even with not being very active myself and even though i dislike the girl who used to be the head.
last winter we had a dinner/socialize activity. i had miraculously struck up conversation with this girl who self-identified as a feminist (it was a really great conversation and she started going on about the media, but looked a little lost when i started talking about gender roles, so i think we were disconnecting on what kind of feminists we are haha) and we talked for a while. in the kitchen afterward the head of the committee and i were cleaning up and she said, as though she was talking to a child, 'see, even you found someone to talk to!'
yeah, that happened.
she also wanted to have an activity every couple of weeks, even though the handbook and bishop say we only need to have them once a semester. for a three person committee in a VERY social and active ward, i felt like this was super overkill, especially when she wanted to have a dinner or some kind of food every time. she also was insistent that we have our planning meetings on sunday even though when she asked my opinion i was honest and open and said that i dislike piling meetings on sundays and prefer to have them during the week so i can better observe the sabbath. she insisted she had literally no time during the week for a half hour meeting and asked me again if i would mind having them on sunday even though i just told her i did. she also planned two separate temple trips with two different breakfasts provided (again, three person committe and the other lady didn't come) because one sister said she couldn't come. she then coordinated for the sisters who went on one trip to watch the kids of the women who went on the other, because apparently there is a mistrust of some of the brethren in the ward. i asked why the women couldn't ask their husbands to stay home with the kids, and she kind of looked at me like i was an alien. she said she wanted to guarantee that every woman could go, and i suggested that in the rare chance that their husbands couldn't 'watch' the kids, that they arrange for their own babysitters, and she continued to get reeeeally awkward.
when is too much too much?
last winter we had a dinner/socialize activity. i had miraculously struck up conversation with this girl who self-identified as a feminist (it was a really great conversation and she started going on about the media, but looked a little lost when i started talking about gender roles, so i think we were disconnecting on what kind of feminists we are haha) and we talked for a while. in the kitchen afterward the head of the committee and i were cleaning up and she said, as though she was talking to a child, 'see, even you found someone to talk to!'
yeah, that happened.
she also wanted to have an activity every couple of weeks, even though the handbook and bishop say we only need to have them once a semester. for a three person committee in a VERY social and active ward, i felt like this was super overkill, especially when she wanted to have a dinner or some kind of food every time. she also was insistent that we have our planning meetings on sunday even though when she asked my opinion i was honest and open and said that i dislike piling meetings on sundays and prefer to have them during the week so i can better observe the sabbath. she insisted she had literally no time during the week for a half hour meeting and asked me again if i would mind having them on sunday even though i just told her i did. she also planned two separate temple trips with two different breakfasts provided (again, three person committe and the other lady didn't come) because one sister said she couldn't come. she then coordinated for the sisters who went on one trip to watch the kids of the women who went on the other, because apparently there is a mistrust of some of the brethren in the ward. i asked why the women couldn't ask their husbands to stay home with the kids, and she kind of looked at me like i was an alien. she said she wanted to guarantee that every woman could go, and i suggested that in the rare chance that their husbands couldn't 'watch' the kids, that they arrange for their own babysitters, and she continued to get reeeeally awkward.
when is too much too much?
ps
i really hate that byu is about numbers in the same way missions are. goals are important but people are more important than numbers. rather than having stimulating, spiritual lessons on visiting/home teaching to improve the testimony of it in the ward and to spur people on naturally, i feel like wards often default to pressuring individuals with stupid play-dumb questions (thus forcing people who just don't care to make up ridiculous excuses) and incessant reminders, which is too bad.
fellowship
apparently you have to be careful what you blog, even if it's a secret blog. we have definitely gotten on our ward's radar somehow. this mostly shows up through well meaning men who mainly know my husband, as i've mentioned before, but yesterday after church a sister flagged me down. (made the mistake of lingering too long.) she asked if i got the visiting teaching slip on my door (i kind of played dumb to demonstrate that i don't really care, which maybe was not the best) and told me my partner got switched and it would be out next week and blah blah something.
i was surprised when she asked me how i was and said she hadn't seen me around much. i recognized her but had talked to her maybe once. she was nice and asked where i work, what we have been up to, etc.
i know these are the interactions i've been wondering about, wondering why no one cared. one guy in particular has always checked up on us since we moved in, and we feel genuinely trusting of him. this woman, too, seemed genuinely interested in my answers, but i just can't help feel that she's in the rs presidency or somehow otherwise got a disproportionate amount of info about us (again, i had talked to her maybe once or twice). i'm torn. they obviously are realizing we're not around (even though it's been a while), but i know i am about as socially particular as you can get. i want them to care, but i don't really want to be friends with them (again, why do you have to be bfffffs with everyone in your ward at byu? seriously, it's ok if we don't hang out all the time, and we can still be polite and caring without having to have movie nights), and they need to be genuine but if i don't know them and they ask then it seems in-genuine. i know i'm self deconstructing and i don't really know what to think.
the bishop is coming to meet with us on thursday (during zumba, but whatevs). i've been thinking a lot about how it will go. did someone tell him when he became bishop recently that we are MIA? did he crack down on taking roll and finding people and is that why everyone is realizing all of the sudden? is he going to be straight up with us? if he straight up asks us what's up, will i tell him about how fake it feels and how big of a problem polygamy is and that i'm looking to revitalize my testimony but not interested in being 'fellow-shipped' because it won't work on me? is talking with my priesthood leaders about my doubts the right thing to do, or is it a personal journey i need to take alone?
i don't really know. it will be interesting to see what he says.
also that is the night before we leave on our big anniversary trip, so if he tells us we're getting kicked out of byu or something, it's going to be a real killjoy.
also, someone mentioned that our home teachers have tried to get in touch with us by 'coming by' the apartment in the evening (another huge byu pet peeve--why can you seriously not call our phones or email? it doesn't make you less righteous) but we are home most evenings and they haven't. that was a little ridiculous.
the bishop is coming to meet with us on thursday (during zumba, but whatevs). i've been thinking a lot about how it will go. did someone tell him when he became bishop recently that we are MIA? did he crack down on taking roll and finding people and is that why everyone is realizing all of the sudden? is he going to be straight up with us? if he straight up asks us what's up, will i tell him about how fake it feels and how big of a problem polygamy is and that i'm looking to revitalize my testimony but not interested in being 'fellow-shipped' because it won't work on me? is talking with my priesthood leaders about my doubts the right thing to do, or is it a personal journey i need to take alone?
i don't really know. it will be interesting to see what he says.
also that is the night before we leave on our big anniversary trip, so if he tells us we're getting kicked out of byu or something, it's going to be a real killjoy.
also, someone mentioned that our home teachers have tried to get in touch with us by 'coming by' the apartment in the evening (another huge byu pet peeve--why can you seriously not call our phones or email? it doesn't make you less righteous) but we are home most evenings and they haven't. that was a little ridiculous.
heart, don't fail me now
i am terrified i am going to have a heart attack. sometimes i think about it night and day.
so why is it so. damn. hard. to get off my butt and exercise?
so why is it so. damn. hard. to get off my butt and exercise?
riding in cars with boys
upon my promotion my supervisor, a 60 year old man with a wife and kids, advised me to attend devotional, a once a week meeting put on by the university. he said he would offer to give me a ride, but he felt uncomfortable doing so. i was fine with it (i'd rather go alone anyway) and admired him not for his opinion but for being so upfront and not awkward about it.
today we were going to visit another department on campus. he drove us there. he was very uncomfortable, and did his best to make what he saw as an extremely awkward situation seem less awkward. it reminded me of the stories of byu grads acting so weird about going on work lunches with female coworkers or supervisors, or even refusing to go. maybe his wife has insecurities, or maybe it's a personal standard for him to not be alone with women, but it made me sad. i feel like as long as i'm in working in such an intensely lds community, and relationships are hyper sexualized, associating with me will be "unsafe" or inappropriate for some of my coworkers.
i am young(er) and a woman, but i am, mind you, a full time, well established, married, well praised employee with great professionalism.
(also, mind you, i have had some normal and really wonderful interactions with married men at work.)
there are other awkward moments. i don't know if it's the feminist hammer in me looking to hit nails, or if it's really there--either way, it's real to me. if i need to reexplain something to a business partner or technician, the older men i work with will often cut in to speak for me (every time). if we're working with people we don't usually work with, they sometimes speak for me entirely and reference me (standing right there). i have to cut to the front of the line if we're having a lunch meeting (all guys except me) and am always being told that if i need help lifting or moving something, just to call. maybe i have chub but i still have arms. when asked about my personal life, i am usually asked about my husband's hobbies/plans for school/future and not my own.
i can live with it. but it's always creeping around.
today we were going to visit another department on campus. he drove us there. he was very uncomfortable, and did his best to make what he saw as an extremely awkward situation seem less awkward. it reminded me of the stories of byu grads acting so weird about going on work lunches with female coworkers or supervisors, or even refusing to go. maybe his wife has insecurities, or maybe it's a personal standard for him to not be alone with women, but it made me sad. i feel like as long as i'm in working in such an intensely lds community, and relationships are hyper sexualized, associating with me will be "unsafe" or inappropriate for some of my coworkers.
i am young(er) and a woman, but i am, mind you, a full time, well established, married, well praised employee with great professionalism.
(also, mind you, i have had some normal and really wonderful interactions with married men at work.)
there are other awkward moments. i don't know if it's the feminist hammer in me looking to hit nails, or if it's really there--either way, it's real to me. if i need to reexplain something to a business partner or technician, the older men i work with will often cut in to speak for me (every time). if we're working with people we don't usually work with, they sometimes speak for me entirely and reference me (standing right there). i have to cut to the front of the line if we're having a lunch meeting (all guys except me) and am always being told that if i need help lifting or moving something, just to call. maybe i have chub but i still have arms. when asked about my personal life, i am usually asked about my husband's hobbies/plans for school/future and not my own.
i can live with it. but it's always creeping around.
doubts 3
- how the church approaches gay issues. out of my college group of friends, all of the guys i knew have came out over time as gay. i have seen church leaders and members, on a large and small scale level, treat this issue with tenderness and compassion; however, i have heard some members imply that being gay is a fad and 'the rise' in the number of gay people has come from that fad. it seems to me that discussion on a national level has made it ok to talk about, and i suspect there has always been a strain of self-silencing gay lds members. one of those friends who has come out as being gay is the most upstanding, worthy priesthood holder i know, and he has worked to have more of a relationship with his heavenly father and savior than most people i know.
i respect the church's right to make statements on moral issues. however, the US constitution is clear that discrimination based on gender, of which sexuality is an integral part, is clearly unconstitutional and inappropriate. i believe very firmly in the separation of church and state. i don't believe the U.S. is a mormon or even a christian nation, despite their claims to founding or even being the reason for why the country was founded. (i think what really happened is that more people were looking for economic freedom than religious freedom... not to mention the founding fathers were deists, not christian.) it makes me feel very concerned as an lds member, historian, and critical thinker that any U.S. congregation would fail to see this in the constitution it holds dear, even the constitution that grants them religious freedom, and sometimes i think they are the ones who are trampling on it.
i respect the church's right to make statements on moral issues. however, the US constitution is clear that discrimination based on gender, of which sexuality is an integral part, is clearly unconstitutional and inappropriate. i believe very firmly in the separation of church and state. i don't believe the U.S. is a mormon or even a christian nation, despite their claims to founding or even being the reason for why the country was founded. (i think what really happened is that more people were looking for economic freedom than religious freedom... not to mention the founding fathers were deists, not christian.) it makes me feel very concerned as an lds member, historian, and critical thinker that any U.S. congregation would fail to see this in the constitution it holds dear, even the constitution that grants them religious freedom, and sometimes i think they are the ones who are trampling on it.
the white stuff
i tried to be good and wear my garments from the get go today. then we started moving around tons of shiz to send to DI and i just couldn't do it. 95+ degrees outside, and i don't glisten, i practically bleed sweat, from everywhere. i changed out of them in order to help my husband happily and with a little less feeling that i was going to die.
i have seen it mentioned online before that the garments are impractical for saints who live in hot climates. this had me thinking africa, but even here in utah it has been 100+ degree weather, and we have no a/c so there is no relief.
i don't mean to make excuses for myself. but i do feel less than happy about garments this summer. sometimes i feel i can respect my garments more by not wearing them when i'm exercising or even when walking outside can cause me to be drenched in sweat, by not ruining them and resenting them.
i tried, and it didn't pan out.
i have seen it mentioned online before that the garments are impractical for saints who live in hot climates. this had me thinking africa, but even here in utah it has been 100+ degree weather, and we have no a/c so there is no relief.
i don't mean to make excuses for myself. but i do feel less than happy about garments this summer. sometimes i feel i can respect my garments more by not wearing them when i'm exercising or even when walking outside can cause me to be drenched in sweat, by not ruining them and resenting them.
i tried, and it didn't pan out.
daycare
i recently got an excellent job in a place i vowed i would leave as soon as i could. my husband is still in school and will someday soon start looking for teaching jobs.
all i can think, on the tailend of my promotion high, is that i want to keep the job as long as i can. the benefits are sensational. but kids are on the horizon. i have heard women in my family (even my mom) and in my husband's family speak poorly of my aunt and aunt-in-law for choosing to work (even if it is part time) while they have young kids. it is unfair to the kids, it is unfair to the husbands and prevents them from fulfilling their role to provide, it is not necessary--these are the things they say.
all i can think, though, is how doable it is. i find myself thinking things like, 'we can plan the baby so i have it in june or july, and my husband will be able to stay home in the school year off season and care for our child in the first few months before they can go into daycare.' i never thought i'd be a daycare mom, and it is definitely not what i was raised to do.
i am amazed by and grateful for my husband's support but more importantly for his respect toward me to make the decision i feel is best for me, and his willingness to trade off staying at home.
still, we are both increasingly terrified of having children. so maybe i don't need to stress about it just yet.
all i can think, on the tailend of my promotion high, is that i want to keep the job as long as i can. the benefits are sensational. but kids are on the horizon. i have heard women in my family (even my mom) and in my husband's family speak poorly of my aunt and aunt-in-law for choosing to work (even if it is part time) while they have young kids. it is unfair to the kids, it is unfair to the husbands and prevents them from fulfilling their role to provide, it is not necessary--these are the things they say.
all i can think, though, is how doable it is. i find myself thinking things like, 'we can plan the baby so i have it in june or july, and my husband will be able to stay home in the school year off season and care for our child in the first few months before they can go into daycare.' i never thought i'd be a daycare mom, and it is definitely not what i was raised to do.
i am amazed by and grateful for my husband's support but more importantly for his respect toward me to make the decision i feel is best for me, and his willingness to trade off staying at home.
still, we are both increasingly terrified of having children. so maybe i don't need to stress about it just yet.
changing the face of lds doubt
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-find-doubt.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&
this nyt article went live today and spread like wildfire.
i am humbled by how timely it is, and how much an answer to my worries it is.
it has become evident to me as i have struggled that feminists are targeted as a doubting group in the church, specifically women in their 20s and 30s. i feel that members of all ages and both sexes have dismissed this anguished, communal expression of doubts as "simply" feminist or gay issues and easily dismissed.
when an area authority is coming forward stronger than most, it changes the game. and it is not only a young mormon feminist issue.
i fear that the mainstream lds response to this will be to quote the scripture that says that in the last days even many of the elite will be lead away. followed by a tidy dismissal of those who doubt as doomed in holy writ and in god's eyes.
the last few days my biggest question has been, WHY will no one TALK about this?
will the church really send doubters away, even when many are expressing honest concern and an honest desire to find healing within the gospel? will they really send no one for us?
this nyt article went live today and spread like wildfire.
i am humbled by how timely it is, and how much an answer to my worries it is.
it has become evident to me as i have struggled that feminists are targeted as a doubting group in the church, specifically women in their 20s and 30s. i feel that members of all ages and both sexes have dismissed this anguished, communal expression of doubts as "simply" feminist or gay issues and easily dismissed.
when an area authority is coming forward stronger than most, it changes the game. and it is not only a young mormon feminist issue.
i fear that the mainstream lds response to this will be to quote the scripture that says that in the last days even many of the elite will be lead away. followed by a tidy dismissal of those who doubt as doomed in holy writ and in god's eyes.
the last few days my biggest question has been, WHY will no one TALK about this?
will the church really send doubters away, even when many are expressing honest concern and an honest desire to find healing within the gospel? will they really send no one for us?
lds yw survey
the employees i supervise are all girls, have all worked there a long time (therefore they are all good friends, or frenemies), and all very traditionally lds young women (college aged). on friday one girl started talking about the survey at http://ldsywsurvey.wordpress.com/ because it appeared in her facebook feed after another woman posted it with the simple endorsement, 'yep.'
because we are very close in age, i used to be friends with these girls even though i was their supervisor. i made the mistake of giving them a lot of access to me through social media, and through that i'm sure they learned that i support obama (facebook), am a feminist but am not outspoken about it (blog), and a number of other things i know they would find "stupid" and "dumb". (they have all since been carefully cut out of that inclusion.) anyway, this is all to say that i have no doubt that these things, along with that i expect them to be on time and be proactive at work, among other things, lead them to stop asking me about my opinions, or including me in conversations. so i only overhear the things they say.
to my surprise (and relief?) at first i thought this girl was expressing serious concern about some of the issues raised by the survey. her coworker and another of my employees even recommended to her the two trees theory (with a very poor explanation) and said it was a great read. however, they then both began going on about how the survey manipulates readers into picking a certain answer, how "stupid" mormon feminism is, how "stupid" it is that women feel unequal, and that people who feel this way are just "too hard to please." on the question about feeling unworthy to attend the temple while on your period there was about five minutes of "oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooosh who even thiiiiiinks of these things. seeeeeeriously?"
this is nothing new for me to hear from them. while there are definitely problems with the survey, it acknowledges a number of women in the church who have a very real struggle with these doubts (and even suggests problems are planted in yw). i don't often expect to agree with these girls anymore, though, because they are, after all, the girls who believe being gay is a choice made out of sexual boredom and also that all democrats are on welfare and are leeches (i am somewhat a democrat and neither, and i know more young republican married couples with children on welfare than anyone else.)
i hurt for this girl. she married last year to a pre med student, got pregnant while on birth control, lost the baby due to a number of his health issues. while pregnant she talked incessantly of how grateful she was to know there was a baby in her and that she wasn't just "getting fat," how "fat" she felt, and that she "can't wait for this baby thing to be done so i can lose the weight." her husband treats her like a toddler--while she was pregnant and in her post-pregnancy sickness, he has often come to the desk where we work, given her food, and refused to leave until he saw that she began eating it. he has confronted me and yelled at me while at work, in front of my employees and superiors, because i attempted to discipline her for severe attendance problems. she talks extensively about what life will be like while he goes through med school and residency and what her responsibilities will be keeping the house running--singlehandedly.
and she doesn't feel under thumb?
many lds women will pass/have passed through life completely content with traditional lds values and gender roles. sometimes i envy them--so easy, and they seem genuinely happy to do it. but the minute they say a different woman's struggle is "stupid" is the minute i go stiff in my office chair.
it makes me wonder if they know how i feel and don't care, or if they really think everyone around them agrees with them.
because we are very close in age, i used to be friends with these girls even though i was their supervisor. i made the mistake of giving them a lot of access to me through social media, and through that i'm sure they learned that i support obama (facebook), am a feminist but am not outspoken about it (blog), and a number of other things i know they would find "stupid" and "dumb". (they have all since been carefully cut out of that inclusion.) anyway, this is all to say that i have no doubt that these things, along with that i expect them to be on time and be proactive at work, among other things, lead them to stop asking me about my opinions, or including me in conversations. so i only overhear the things they say.
to my surprise (and relief?) at first i thought this girl was expressing serious concern about some of the issues raised by the survey. her coworker and another of my employees even recommended to her the two trees theory (with a very poor explanation) and said it was a great read. however, they then both began going on about how the survey manipulates readers into picking a certain answer, how "stupid" mormon feminism is, how "stupid" it is that women feel unequal, and that people who feel this way are just "too hard to please." on the question about feeling unworthy to attend the temple while on your period there was about five minutes of "oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooosh who even thiiiiiinks of these things. seeeeeeriously?"
this is nothing new for me to hear from them. while there are definitely problems with the survey, it acknowledges a number of women in the church who have a very real struggle with these doubts (and even suggests problems are planted in yw). i don't often expect to agree with these girls anymore, though, because they are, after all, the girls who believe being gay is a choice made out of sexual boredom and also that all democrats are on welfare and are leeches (i am somewhat a democrat and neither, and i know more young republican married couples with children on welfare than anyone else.)
i hurt for this girl. she married last year to a pre med student, got pregnant while on birth control, lost the baby due to a number of his health issues. while pregnant she talked incessantly of how grateful she was to know there was a baby in her and that she wasn't just "getting fat," how "fat" she felt, and that she "can't wait for this baby thing to be done so i can lose the weight." her husband treats her like a toddler--while she was pregnant and in her post-pregnancy sickness, he has often come to the desk where we work, given her food, and refused to leave until he saw that she began eating it. he has confronted me and yelled at me while at work, in front of my employees and superiors, because i attempted to discipline her for severe attendance problems. she talks extensively about what life will be like while he goes through med school and residency and what her responsibilities will be keeping the house running--singlehandedly.
and she doesn't feel under thumb?
many lds women will pass/have passed through life completely content with traditional lds values and gender roles. sometimes i envy them--so easy, and they seem genuinely happy to do it. but the minute they say a different woman's struggle is "stupid" is the minute i go stiff in my office chair.
it makes me wonder if they know how i feel and don't care, or if they really think everyone around them agrees with them.
pressure
my uncle took his own life about a month before i was married in the lds temple. sometimes i feel responsible, wondering if the looming wedding contributed to or catalyzed his decision. it would be a huge family event, maybe hard for him to attend and face everyone as he seriously considered what he would do. he would also be seeing me as his niece, the first grandchild someone he loved, marry into a covenant he may have been doubting. i know he loved me, as he loved all of us, and i wonder what he felt like as we made choices to move forward with religious rites of passage. my mom was reluctant to tell me that tyler expressed doubts, especially in the early teachings of joseph smith and brigham young, teachings which my husband and i find even ourselves disturbed by, by text message right before he passed.
for me to think this is of course ultimately, supremely selfish, to feel guilty or think i may have been indirectly responsible. i have felt this way before, to a lesser degree, when my high school boyfriend told me casually, as we stood at his locker, that his parents were getting divorced. i felt responsible. i worried that i was the straw that tipped the balance. i had changed their son, taken a little away from him, maybe from them. his time and attention. he told me feeling this way was ridiculous, of course.
still, i wonder about my uncle tyler and which doubts spurred him on.
for me to think this is of course ultimately, supremely selfish, to feel guilty or think i may have been indirectly responsible. i have felt this way before, to a lesser degree, when my high school boyfriend told me casually, as we stood at his locker, that his parents were getting divorced. i felt responsible. i worried that i was the straw that tipped the balance. i had changed their son, taken a little away from him, maybe from them. his time and attention. he told me feeling this way was ridiculous, of course.
still, i wonder about my uncle tyler and which doubts spurred him on.
sister missionaries
i have an employee who is now on her mission in korea. she is a great girl and i always connected well with her.
when word was starting to get out around the office that she was going, my supervisor pulled her aside, but i could hear them talking. he told her what a wonderful choice it was, and that serving a mission would make her such a better mother and wife.
i resent this idea so much.
her faith and dedication may make her a better mother and wife (also, why can't she just be a person? not someone's mother or someone's wife, but just herself? women never can), but her mission will not. and it definitely won't inherently make her a better wife or mother than a woman who chose not to go.
when word was starting to get out around the office that she was going, my supervisor pulled her aside, but i could hear them talking. he told her what a wonderful choice it was, and that serving a mission would make her such a better mother and wife.
i resent this idea so much.
her faith and dedication may make her a better mother and wife (also, why can't she just be a person? not someone's mother or someone's wife, but just herself? women never can), but her mission will not. and it definitely won't inherently make her a better wife or mother than a woman who chose not to go.
byu secrets
i hate the byu secrets page. i have read most of not all of the posts on there. it seems that a holistic look at all these posts reveal the admin poster very clearly. this person is clearly:
- a guy.
- gay, or having strong ties to the gay community.
- struggling with his testimony of the gospel.
- had problems with masturbation, or others similar.
- feeling very trapped at byu.
i have no problem with any of these things. i know several guys like this who i care very much for, and who i've known for several years. freak, I relate to most of those things. but it secretly makes me so furious that he is not posting secrets, other than those in a very specific topic range, for people to read. like anything specific to women's struggles. someone asked him why he didn't post more secrets. his reply was that he's at work when he reads them, and also that a lot of them are 'stupid.'
i bet they aren't.
- a guy.
- gay, or having strong ties to the gay community.
- struggling with his testimony of the gospel.
- had problems with masturbation, or others similar.
- feeling very trapped at byu.
i have no problem with any of these things. i know several guys like this who i care very much for, and who i've known for several years. freak, I relate to most of those things. but it secretly makes me so furious that he is not posting secrets, other than those in a very specific topic range, for people to read. like anything specific to women's struggles. someone asked him why he didn't post more secrets. his reply was that he's at work when he reads them, and also that a lot of them are 'stupid.'
i bet they aren't.
doubts 2
- i have absolutely no problem believing god is who he says he is, or that the plan of salvation is true. i know of a surety that if i follow the plan he has prepared, i can become a god like him. the doubt is, what if i don't want to be a god like him?
- when people slam members who commit suicide, it makes me not want to be a part of the church.
- i know god hears me. i know he knows me. i have had very spiritual experiences. so why isn't there more guidance? help sent? why is he so hard to access? how do christians of other denominations say they have such a developed relationship with jesus? they focus on attitude rather than rules but that is the opposite of mormons, and yet they claim better relationships with him. lds people like to say that people who feel the spirit don't know it because they've been feeling it all along. how do you know if you are just not feeling the spirit?
- i think the reason we don't talk about heavenly mother is because there are more than one heavenly mother. people who feel the need to access her, connect with her, see her presence--it makes me sad for these people.
- the church dismisses some of its history as opinions of different brethren. but i also feel in modern they that they present opinions as righteous choices. which one is it?
- when people slam members who commit suicide, it makes me not want to be a part of the church.
- i know god hears me. i know he knows me. i have had very spiritual experiences. so why isn't there more guidance? help sent? why is he so hard to access? how do christians of other denominations say they have such a developed relationship with jesus? they focus on attitude rather than rules but that is the opposite of mormons, and yet they claim better relationships with him. lds people like to say that people who feel the spirit don't know it because they've been feeling it all along. how do you know if you are just not feeling the spirit?
- i think the reason we don't talk about heavenly mother is because there are more than one heavenly mother. people who feel the need to access her, connect with her, see her presence--it makes me sad for these people.
- the church dismisses some of its history as opinions of different brethren. but i also feel in modern they that they present opinions as righteous choices. which one is it?
wandering
i have been a lost sheep for seven months. i think i have been to church three or four times this year 2013. i have never been to all three meetings in 2013. for four months before that it was not as bad but still very spotty. and the summer before that, i was slowly sliding by.
no one, to my knowledge, has come looking for me. the ward sometimes accesses me, but only through my husband. his priesthood leader wants to know if the bishop can come visit our family, for example. (i am never asked.)
but no one is looking for me. it is nice and sad at the same time. no one knows i am inactive except my husband.
no one, to my knowledge, has come looking for me. the ward sometimes accesses me, but only through my husband. his priesthood leader wants to know if the bishop can come visit our family, for example. (i am never asked.)
but no one is looking for me. it is nice and sad at the same time. no one knows i am inactive except my husband.
bald
my dad used to say that god made a few perfect heads, and on the rest he put hair. he has been bald since he was in his 30s.
one day i realized he really only has a receding hairline, he is not bald. so i asked him if his head is only half perfect and we all laughed so hard.
then he got brain cancer and it is just not funny. it's not funny at all. i wish i had never said it.
one day i realized he really only has a receding hairline, he is not bald. so i asked him if his head is only half perfect and we all laughed so hard.
then he got brain cancer and it is just not funny. it's not funny at all. i wish i had never said it.
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